Florence, USA 31 years-old
Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML
Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML
Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML
Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML
Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML
Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML
Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML
Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML
Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML
Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML
Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML
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