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Meilleur ami, mauvais voisin

Aujourd'hui, au moment de descendre la poubelle, je ne trouve plus mes clés. J'en ai pour 5 minutes, je bloque donc la porte de mon appartement avec un chausson. En remontant, je croise dans l'escalier mon voisin du dessus qui descend promener son chien. Ce dernier s’est trouvé un nouveau joujou et le tient dans sa gueule : mon chausson. VDM

Coin de paradis

Aujourd’hui, mon copain et moi décidons de faire un câlin sur notre bateau gonflable dans un petit coin caché du lac. Mon bas de bikini est tombé dans l’eau pendant l'acte. Mais je ne m’en suis aperçue qu’au moment de retourner à la rive, bondée de gens. VDM

Pire sentiment du monde

Aujourd’hui, première nuit avec ma nouvelle copine. Elle s’est mise à rigoler quand elle m’a vu tout nu. VDM

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

Today, while lying in bed, I was so lonely that I put a heavy blanket in front of me so it felt like I was spooning someone. FML

Today, I asked my supervisor if I could take a week off next month to go visit family. He laughed and said, "That's funny, I've put you down for extra time that week, so you can cover my shifts while I go to Spain!" FML

Her House, Her Rules.

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I was "changing too much." My big change was a haircut. FML

What are you doing?

Today, my mom caught me absentmindedly staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

Golden rain

Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

Freaked out

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

Dick move

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

Today, my boyfriend got a text from a "close female friend." The text was of her with no shirt on, and he quickly closed his phone. His explanation was that his female friends just want his opinion on how they look. I don't know what's worse, that there are several, or that he thinks I'm that stupid. FML

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML

Take a hike

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

*Childish Gambino voice* This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours… so I could go to dialysis. FML

Fatigue estivale

Aujourd'hui, je suis tellement fatiguée qu'au lieu de mettre une dose de lessive dans la machine, j'ai mis une dose de croquettes pour chats. VDM

Rupture 2.0

Aujourd'hui, j'ai appris la fin de ma relation en allant sur les réseaux sociaux. En effet, j'y ai appris que ma "copine" est actuellement célibataire et intéressée par les hommes. VDM

Prise de conscience

Aujourd'hui, mon copain m'avoue après 10 mois de relation qu'il préfère ma soeur car elle est plus drôle. VDM

À moitié satisfaite

Aujourd'hui, je suis allongée sur le canapé avec mon copain. Je lui dis amoureusement que j'ai très envie de lui et aussi d'une calzone. Sa réponse : "Pour la calzone, y'a pas de souci." VDM

Pétage de câble

Aujourd'hui, je suis tellement en manque de sommeil que j'ai été prise d'une crise de jalousie fulgurante quand mon copain s'est endormi devant Netflix. VDM

Peur panique

Aujourd'hui, j'ai fait peur à mon copain en lui faisant croire que j'étais enceinte. Il a fait une crise de panique. Nous sommes deux hommes. VDM