Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML
Today, we ran out of disposable gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML
Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML
Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML
Today, I was once again called a "selfish bitch" because I don't want kids, even though I can't provide for them mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. FML
Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML
Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML
Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML
Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML
Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML
Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML
Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML
Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML
Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML
Today, I learned the hard way not to keep my own cash in my pocket while working as a cashier, when I was forced to give $30 to a scamming customer. FML
Today, I was trying to seduce a really good-looking girl, when all of a sudden she leaned in towards me and said, “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to make out with you.“ FML
Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After looking into it, one of the 1-star ratings claimed "mechanical problems". The description of the reason, "He drives a Ford." FML
Today, I was told I couldn't walk across the stage at my graduation because I owe money to lunch services. I owe 14 cents from my freshman year. FML
Today, I found out the German I've been learning for nearly a month is a dialect only spoken by people in a small area of the country. This means I'll need to re-learn most of what I thought I knew. FML
Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML
Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me, "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML
Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML
Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML
Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML
Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML
Today, it's the second day of being in Estonia with my boyfriend and his mom, visiting their family. I don't know much Estonian, but I can say short words and phrases. My boyfriend later informed me I've been mispronouncing "Thank you," and actually saying "Help me." I was wondering why people have been laughing. FML
Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML
Today, after 6 months away, I came home to find out my mom has essentially untrained my dog by spoiling him rotten. She has, however, taught him to fart on command. FML
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