Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML
Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML
Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML
Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML
Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML
Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML
Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML
Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML
Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML
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