Fort Lee 45 years-old Single
Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML
Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML
Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML
Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML
Today, my car broke down. My colleague came to get me and then, later, my husband picked me up from work. We went to collect my abandoned car, but it was gone. It took 10 minutes of me panicking and thinking it had been stolen before he crumpled in laughter and told me he'd already collected it. FML
Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML
Today, after having given up video games for two weeks to focus on school, I finished my last exam of the semester and finally became free. I got home to find that Steam is down worldwide. I just received an email saying every game on my wish list is on sale, but I can't log in. FML
Today, after waiting several hours for my foreman to drop off material, I finally got a text back from him saying "Oh sorry, I totally forgot about you. I'm at the Christmas party." The Christmas party that no one told me about. FML
Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML
Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML
Today, my wife and I were born on the same day, married on our birthday date. Today is our birthday and anniversary, and today we are getting divorced. FML
Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML
Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML
Today, I dropped a butcher's knife on my knuckle. Five stitches later, I can't even wipe my own butt. FML
Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML
Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML
Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML
Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML
Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML
Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML
Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML
Today, I had a 10-hour shift that started at 5 a.m. We can't leave until relief comes and we don't get paid for overtime if our relief is late. The good news is my relief came early. The bad news is he went on a smoke break and never came back. They want me to stay until we close and I'm the only cashier. FML
Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML
Today, the mall I work at started playing Christmas songs on repeat. It's the beginning of November. FML
Today, daylight savings is on the way. Two years ago, I planned to propose right before the time change, all to have an extra hour of "the best day of my life". Now I have an extra hour to remember how distinctly single I still am and how awful she was. FML
Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML
Today, I needed to cut something open so I asked my roommate to toss me my pocket knife from the counter. Apparently, he heard, "Open the knife then toss me it." FML
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