Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML
Today, I gave myself paper cuts on the sides of my mouth while licking the cover of a pudding cup. FML
Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML
Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML
Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML
Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML
Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML
Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML
Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML
Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML
Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML
Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML
Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML
Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML
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