legitSauce22

Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month." FML

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML

Drilled

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

Today, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, the smell of bacon in a frying pan, and some dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door. FML

Highlight of the week

Today, I work at McDonald's. The entire crew, myself included, got visibly excited that we had new trash cans and dust pans. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

I'm a huge fan

Today, I found out how painful it is when your ceiling fan falls on you. FML