Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML
Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down, I received a text that said, "Turn around." It was her. FML
Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML
Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML
Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad turns around and says he was expecting him to have a guide dog. This is why I don't have much confidence in myself. FML
Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James's "Super Freak" to me. FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML
Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him, "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML
Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML
Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML
Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML
Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML
Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML
Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML
Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
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