Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML
Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML
Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML
Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML
Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML
Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML
Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML
Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML
Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML
Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML
Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML
Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML
Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML
Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML
Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML
Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML
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