27 years-old
Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML
Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weed-whacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgot that I was mowing where the dogs take dumps, I absentmindedly whacked over dog poop… which got flung into my face. FML
Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML
Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML
Today, I met a hot guy at the club. We danced and had a really good time, so I invited him home with me for the night. The next morning, I awoke to the sound of what I thought to be running water. I looked up to find him, naked, and pissing into my air conditioner unit. FML
Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML
Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not, and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bi-curious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML
Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before, but they usually leave early. I heard someone in the kitchen and, thinking it was my brother, I said, "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma then responded, "No, we're not." FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML
Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying, "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML
Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML
Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML
Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML
Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on eBay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML
Today, I received a $250 ticket when I parked my car, that has the disabled placard, in a handicapped spot at a Wal-Mart. The officer said she watched me get out of the car and walk to store without appearing to be disabled. I'm 59 years old, have a steel rod in my spine and a prosthetic hip. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator. After ringing the alarm bell consistantly for 10 minutes, I called someone I was staying with. She went down to the front desk and said that there were people stuck in the elevator. Front desk- "Is that what that is? I thought it was some kids messing around." FML
Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for God knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowingly drove it around. FML
Today, I was feeling sick and I farted really loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML
Today, I realised that the man who I wanted to be with, the man who wanted to be with me, and my husband were three different people. FML
Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML
Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50 metres down the street so that I would be confused when I came out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML
Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML
Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML
Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML
Today, I came home for lunch. I saw a sandwich on the table with a note saying, "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I saw another note from my girlfriend next to it saying, "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step-mother. FML
Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML
Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML
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