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The all-time greatest FMLs

Kiss from a rose

By sealy - 28/12/2010 07:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 7 884

By hesaidwhat - 15/01/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 5 921

Shitty situation

By thatguythere858 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 2 859

Help!

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 09:12 - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 3 829

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 2 440

By Anonymous - 22/02/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 104

You deserved it 3 058

By Tee - 26/03/2010 08:48 - France

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 102

You deserved it 4 438

Desperate times

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered, "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 102

You deserved it 3 123

By never_ending_hangover - 30/09/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend out to meet my coworkers for the first time. I really wanted to impress them, and get them to think how cool we are to hang out with, since I am new to LA. Instead, my boyfriend threw up in my boss's sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 101

You deserved it 4 843

It hurts

By dogbait - 14/02/2010 05:07 - France

Today, my neighbor's dog bit me, it was extremely painful. The gash in my leg was deep and bleeding like crazy. When I finally got into my house screaming in agonizing pain, my mother said "Quit bitching, walk it off and you'll be fine." My leg is purple now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 101

You deserved it 3 377

By MedStudent90 - 11/12/2014 18:10 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son got in trouble at school. The kids had to solve a problem by determining whether it was better for "Edna" to repair or replace her AC unit. He said Edna is an "old person's name" and she was "probably going to die soon anyway", so she shouldn't do either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 100

You deserved it 3 949

By shs - 21/10/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, I found out the memory card our engagement photos were taken on has been corrupted, so all the images are lost. The guy who took the pictures said that this has never happened to him in the eight years that he's been a photographer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 098

You deserved it 3 283

shs_fml tells us more.

shs_fml 0

Friday 22 October 2010 17:28

actually the technician the photographer works with determined that it may take 4 months to recover them. there's no guarantee that it would actually work though and it's extremely expensive.

Hi there!

By curtain buyer - 09/03/2015 01:05 - United States - Albany

Spicy

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 097

You deserved it 3 715

By Anonymous - 28/08/2011 06:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 097

You deserved it 6 389

My boy

By NeverEscaping - 03/02/2013 00:52 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I decided at age 18 that it's time to put into storage the picture books that have been collecting dust in my room for nearly a decade. My mother took this as a sign that I'm planning to move out and abandon her forever, and has been crying for the last four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 096

You deserved it 2 936

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 22:15 - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 096

You deserved it 6 098

By Anonymous - 11/08/2015 04:39

Spicy

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 096

You deserved it 6 445

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 19:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 095

You deserved it 2 094

By cannedpeas - 31/12/2014 03:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my aunt and uncle came into the restaurant I work at to give me a late Christmas gift. The gift was the $20 tip they left, which got divided amongst all the staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 095

You deserved it 2 305

cannedpeas tells us more.

cannedpeas 19

Wednesday 31 December 2014 15:05

Well this got posted surprisingly fast To clarify: they didn't realize that the tips we receive are for everyone, not just the waitresses. I didn't bother asking then for another $20 because I figured, hey, it's the thought that counts, and I ended up getting a decent tip pay that night anyways. Thanks for the nice comments :)

Clumsy

By IHateBagels - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 095

You deserved it 82 467

By lingadoo - 07/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 091

You deserved it 4 864

Lurker

By Katie - 20/02/2011 08:35 - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 090

You deserved it 3 105

By sickness_sucks - 15/06/2012 06:19 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 088

You deserved it 17 151

By king400 - 25/11/2012 08:09 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me. When I explained the situation to the "other guy", he exclaimed that I was lying because I was jealous and trying to ruin his relationship. He punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 088

You deserved it 2 988

By lonely - 12/04/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 087

You deserved it 7 770

By 1thapp3ns - 10/01/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my mom and her new boyfriend. At the restaurant, while we were eating, he started clapping and singing, "If You're Happy and You Know It." My mom joined in. They sang loudly. Loud enough for the entire restaurant to go quiet and stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 086

You deserved it 3 018

Uh oh

By EvilMother - 14/09/2012 00:57 - United States - Hinsdale

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about LGBT rights, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grandkids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 086

You deserved it 5 247

DJ Perfectionist

By ImOverHere - 02/09/2012 16:56 - United States - Whitehouse

Spicy

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 085

You deserved it 3 115

Good question

By lady parts - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 084

You deserved it 14 281

Silver linings

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 084

You deserved it 4 072

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The Top

The Top

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 190

You deserved it 2 876

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 455

You deserved it 15 346

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 994

You deserved it 64 302

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 414

You deserved it 24 396

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 630

You deserved it 285

Today, my husband took our son into the woods with a big stick and two tennis rackets because they'd found a hornets nest. Yes, they used the stick to poke the nest and the tennis rackets to whack the hornets, like they thought it was a game. They got swarmed and are now in hospital. Idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 575

You deserved it 113