Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
aloring 14
If I feel something on my butt I usually stand back up and look at it. Sure it could have been imagination but better safe than sorry..
DocBastard 40
Now we know that cockroaches can survive a nuclear war AND the smell of your ass.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (129)
aloring 14
If I feel something on my butt I usually stand back up and look at it. Sure it could have been imagination but better safe than sorry..
donkeykongo 7
Standing up would only squish the roach between his cheeks!
aloring 14
Better to stop it at your cheeks then for it to keep crawling up!
fml121785 14
18- If they were under the seat they probably would just be tickling the outside of his cheeks. I defiantly jump up and check under the seat if I feel anything like that! All because I read an article once about a spider in China (I think) that was hiding under the seat of a potty on an airplane, biting & killing random passengers! It was some rare poisonous spider from the jungle or something. Scary stuff!
moonboobs 4
33- i read the same article too. PS it was in Siuth Korea.
horseridermc 2
Thanks a lot… now I'm always gonna think I have cockroaches
DarkSeekerX94446 14
Oh that's nasty. *Cleveland voice*
loveingit 7
33 look at snoops it was not a true story
freshberries22 17
Idk If that spider story is true or not but I had a spider in my toilet the size of a dime with thick tan legs. I didn't realize it was in the bowl looking up at me until after I got up. It scared the crap out of me so be warned op always look in the toilet before sitting down.
DogsPaw 16
Go on YouTube look up spider + toilet. Guarantee you will examine every inch before you do your business. (I was watching normal stuff but go to the weird side of YouTube)
hihome 7
I read this fml while i was on the toilet. Scared shitless.
Trickiest_K 9
Always check !
miserypoison 13
You made me and the rest of the FML community paranoid now. :D
chickenflem 8
How many people were in the toilet while reading this FML and automatically checked their toilet? I know I did :/ lol
sens3sfailing 25
Oh so nooooow women will check before they sit but you couldn't do it before when telling men to always leave the seat down?!
BlueFlatts 20
Especially if it was a public bathroom, who knows what lives in them.
accioshannon 17
You didn't squish them?
Inheritance 10
Pfft, they are coach roaches, little ******* survive everything!
jacquesromualdez 12
Cockroach: nice ass!
Zedd_fml 8
My shit brings all the cockroach to the yard And they are like.. I'm gonna inch your butt Damn right, gonna inch your butt
Inheritance 10
And they were like shut the hell up now and get down voted.
hihome 7
I would then proceed to burn my butt.
kimee21_fml 15
No. Burn the entire house!
fml121785 14
Yes! I think this is up there on my list of 10 top worst nightmares that could possibly happen. Gag, yuck, eek, ewww, gross, nasty, and any other word that you emphasize the severity of the situation!
BatteryAddict 11
This is why I always lift the seat to check, no matter where I am. I've seen horrible things. . Horrible. . things.
ICastillo 25
Have you lifted the seat and seen a dead kitten? That's horrible.
MyCommentsSuck 21
Part of me greatly wishes to know what they've seen.
MisterMichael 9
I would have cried
mubaki 18
I could have lied
newbiehere99 6
Knowing you have four cocks near your butt would make me cry as well.
ichliebekekse 11
I don't see whats wrong with that..
iTsbSkuLLy 8
I see four things wrong with that.
AznSamoan52 10
8- Is having cockroaches crawl under your toilet seat a normal thing for you?
moonboobs 4
8- where there's one, there's a thousand.
snowfox_fml 10
Are you okay ?
SillyGirl4602 23
8, I don't know about you but I sure as hell do not want any cockroaches near my ass.
DocBastard 40
Now we know that cockroaches can survive a nuclear war AND the smell of your ass.
shaagy2760 13
Lmao
Llama_Face89 34
Not sure which is worse..
BlueFlatts 20
I'm just going to take a random guess at this because I could be wrong. Nuclear war, they'll be one of the few thing left in a month to reproduce and take over the world.
TwinArmageddons 4
But they'd die of from lack of a food source,
anahelena1993 9
No. They'd eventually just eat each other. They will find a way. They will find a way to survive!
jetsown08 21
Might wanna check your asshole to see if any if them got in there too...
onlychildFTW 34
That's just very creepy.
Airman1988 9
I'm leaning on ydi for letting your place get nasty enough to be cockroach infested like that
Airman1988 9
Unless it wasn't your own toilet of course
BrianneAlex 10
Actually, that may not have anything to do with it. Cockroaches are usually found in filthy places but they can also be found in "clean" places. I went to Florida and there were a ton of flying cockroaches but it wasn't because I was in a filthy place. People can't always control some cockroaches that crawl into their house.
Stalkerloo 11
I agree with 42. The school I attend is the newest in my district, being only eight years old, and we have an entire hallway that has a roach infestation, despite how clean it really is.
Airman1988 9
That's why I said leaning towards ydi, I still think more often then not cockroaches are a result of a dirty environment. I don't know of any study that compares the percent of non dirty human inhabitated cockroach environments to dirty ones though.
alycion 39
Some materials used to build some dwellings, like the glue of trailers, attract them. And the flying roaches in fl, aka palmetto bugs are just about everywhere here. Not much you can do at least they don't breed and infest like the other kinds. I usually find one or two a year in my garage. I freak out and threaten to sell the place every time. I'm fine with them as long as they stay outside.
gracehi 33
Roaches are attracted to food, not dirt.