Today, I ate at Chipotle. There was a girl sitting alone, so I asked if I could eat lunch with her. She said yes, and as I sat down I tried to open my bag of chips. When trying to do so, my hand slipped, and I punched myself in the face. She laughed, and promptly left. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML
Today, I went out to eat with friends. My crush was also at the restaurant with his friends. He smiled at me as I took a mouthful of food, and I choked. The waitress had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me, while he and his friends fell off their chairs laughing. FML
Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. As I started putting my arm around her, I hit her in the face. FML
Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML
Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML
Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking behind me by holding the door open for her. As she was walking through, I inadvertently pulled the door too hard. It slammed against the wall and ricochet back, hitting her right in the face. FML
Today, at work, I tried to sneakily open a bag of chips I had hidden in my desk drawer. The bag decided to explode as soon as I tore it open, sending chips flying everywhere. My boss chose that exact moment to walk by and saw me on the floor, frantically picking up chips. FML
Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML
Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML
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Top comments
LowLives 9
owned no but really that was mean of her
rafty4life 3
Not to bad, at least you didn't get shut down right away... or punch her in the face.
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Comments (95)
LowLives 9
owned no but really that was mean of her
clarkey 0
Hahaha stop hitting yourself comes to mind!
clarkey 0
Hahaha stop hitting yourself comes to mind!
clarkey 0
Hahaha stop hitting yourself comes to mind!
Surfer7456 7
Don't really see how that was mean of her. I would have laughed my ass off if someone did that in front of me. Also, not sure why you left op-that's just one way to get a conversation going :-p lol
Surfer7456 7
well nvm-she was the one that left lol
TheRealFamilyGuy 5
this is just the beginning of your string of bad luck that will eventually lead to your untimely death. first its punching your self, next its being impaled analy by a 100 inch *****.
redbluegreen 41
^ Sounds like a personal fantasy of yours.
millionaire93 0
probably is..... >.<
zoomdoom 0
fool of a took
killabee 0
LOTR reference eh, a bit old but I like it.
rafty4life 3
Not to bad, at least you didn't get shut down right away... or punch her in the face.
Blackmail111 9
looks like it's tome for some *puts on sunglasses* hand eye coordination
KrazieKleo 13
Lol, eat some real food next time...
blarghityblarghh 0
Yeah, she left because of the food he was eating, you stiupod pendejo
mizzflory 5
fail for trying to be Spanish n not knowing how to spell
damselchelle 4
trying to be Spanish? don't be absurd. Spanish folks can't spell. he succeeded.
xbella 8
she's a dummie
sovetskiy 8
Only a dummy would trade a golden ticket for something as common as money...are you a dummy?
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for eating at Chipotle. Enjoy your firehole.
randy7027 0
what's wrong with chipotle?
allmidnighteyes 11
The bathroom trip the next day is what's wrong with it. God damn that place.
Livelife121 30
#7 I've never had it before, but I've heard it hurts a lot while "coming out" and will possibly give you diarrhea, maybe ever cause you to bleed(?). Luckily for OP, there's chipotleaway for his underwear, so he can continue on eating it,
Livelife121 30
*even Not ever, my bad.
krazy_glu3 0
everyone tells me the chipotle gives them the *****. haha. I've never been though sooo can't say it's true. not gunna find out either!!!
carcinogan 0
it never gives me the ***** man you guys have some bad chipotle lmao
explodingmuffint 0
I bleed everytime I poop ;)
lalagirl912 0
these comments reminded me of a southpark episode
lolitaababy 0
ahahahahahahha good one!
blarghityblarghh 0
What's wrong with dogs? The ladies love little dogs. Oh wait... you've probably never gotten laid before, my bad
penguinonastairc 0
Says the eggs. LOL.
sweet_candy_ 17
lol facepalm op
YtotsDI 0
9 I am afraid you are mistaken it is not facepalm its facefist tyvm -.- lol
Doortje 30
She probably thought you're an abusive tool.
allmidnighteyes 11
Or that he was Tyler Durden.
redbluegreen 41
In that case, she'll be back. No one can resist the charismatic Tyler Durden.
IHeartJimi02 0
13, amazing movie!
Kaeleyw 0
chipotle...... Shhh the goodness of home.
FYLDeep 26
She must not having been looking for a masochist.