Today, my husband moved out while I was out of town. The only thing of his he left behind was a copy of Paradise Lost. FML
Today, my boyfriend was complaining about his kids being hard to handle. He repeatedly said the other day that if he had a woman to help then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. I don’t really know how to take that, since I’ve said multiple times I’m willing to meet them. I feel like I’m too close, too soon. FML
Today, after I went to Mexico for its museums, when I try to share my experience with other guys, they all think I went there for sex. FML
Today, I got called to my son's school again because he punched a girl. Every time he gets in a fight, he justifies it by saying he only hits bullies he catches hurting other kids. His teachers even agree he only hits the bullies like that girl, but it’s becoming a huge problem. FML
Today, I found out, and only after my stepdaughter told me, that my wife spent the whole weekend with another guy at the beach. FML
Today, my wife woke up from dental surgery still stoned off her box. She was asking for me, but when she saw me she said, “Ew, you’re ugly, I asked you to go get my husband, he’s goofy looking but you’re just plain ugly so you’re not my husband.” Not sure how to feel about that. FML
Today, my boss complained about how his performance bonus is too small, as he expected it to be the total amount accrued rather than a percentage. He also made the decision to not give any of the employees profit sharing this year, because the company didn't beat the budgeted increase in profits. FML
Today, I opened my mail and mistook it for my bank statement. It was my hospital bill. FML
Today, I drove to my job and got a parking ticket for parking in my assigned parking spot. On top of that, my mom's dog gave birth to her puppies in my bathroom. I currently have a parking ticket and ten dogs in my apartment. FML
Today, I was invited to my ten year high school reunion. I refuse to go because I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. All the girls I grew up with will be there with their husbands, while I’m a single loser who can’t get a man to save her life. FML
Today, I had a seizure, and as they were loading me into the ambulance, drooling on myself, I clearly heard my mother ask the ambulance crew if they’d mind swinging by the church on the way to the hospital, you know, in case it turns out I’m not sick, just possessed by the devil. FML
Today, I get to go to my new job and have the boss's kid watch me as I do all the grunt work, and he just sits there watching me, only to come and correct me on how to do my job. Oh joy. FML
Today, I was mistaken for an 8th grader because of my height. I'm 32 years-old. FML
Today, whenever I call my father on the phone he never answers, but if I ever ignore his calls he wishes me dead. FML
Today, it's funny that I'm paying so much more money for a 3 bedroom apartment so my kids can each have their own rooms, and both kids have been camped out in my room for weeks. I'm a single mom who doesn't get any child support. What did I leave my 2 bedroom for? FML
Today, I cleaned the two staircases at the hotel where I work. Five minutes later, someone complained they were dirty. Someone had dropped soda and got mud all over them. FML
Today, I went on a first day with a guy. It went well up until he saw my phone, loudly declared that I was ‘gross’ for having an iPhone, and then stormed out. I’m on a family plan and if it were my choice, I would have got an Android. FML
Today, my neighbour across the street has entered his ninth consecutive hour of playing Limp Bizkit at full blast. The only thing overriding my concern for his mental health is my sheer surprise that they have 9 hours of original music. FML
Today, while talking to my parents about my car, my dad said, "Don't put a lot of money into it because we will give you ours when we move." I asked why, and my mom responded, "Well, we helped your sister with her wedding, so this is going to be your wedding gift." I'm getting a car out of pity for not having a wife. FML
Today, I work as an executive assistant. My French boss wanted to do business with a big American customer, so he sent her an email suggesting a meeting. He copied me so that I could arrange said meeting. He had written, "Have your ass talk to my ass." FML
Today, I was frantically woken up from a nap by my son who was scared because there was a dog in the house. We don't own a dog. It was the new neighbor's dog. When my son opened the door to go play outside, the dog came barreling in. My kid and cats were terrified. FML
Today, I found out I will always come in second to my new husband's alcoholic parents. FML
Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML
Today, there was an Instagram post featuring a couple’s vacation spot, saying, “Tag the one you’d love to share this vacation with.” My boyfriend tagged his friend he swears is “one of the guys”. Everytime I confront him over these red flags, he says I’m “overreacting.” FML
Today, I was on a train when I felt the unsettling urge to vomit. I ran to the toilet, but there was someone in there, with another waiting in the corridor. Out of time, and luck, I projectile-vomited into a bin built into the wall. The man waiting for the toilet looked truly traumatised. FML
Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML
Today, I spent an hour and twenty minutes throwing up at a toilet from a shopping mall because I ate rotten food without realizing it. At least during that time I made two new friends, a gay couple who were making out in the next toilet cubicle. FML
Today, after dumping my ex for being married, I realized he'd been my best friend too, and I have no one to tell the funny, mundane bits about my day. I never realized until now how much I needed that. FML
Today, I got a verbal warning at work for "having a resting bitch face." I had a headache. FML
Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit, in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and love, and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
