Today, my wife woke up from dental surgery still stoned off her box. She was asking for me, but when she saw me she said, “Ew, you’re ugly, I asked you to go get my husband, he’s goofy looking but you’re just plain ugly so you’re not my husband.” Not sure how to feel about that. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, you know that cute video of the girl waking up from anaesthesia, seeing her boyfriend and calling him cute even though she’s drugged up? Yeah, good for him. Meanwhile, my husband just woke up from his surgery all drugged up, looked at me, and said, "Ew, Grandma, I thought you were dead." FML
Today, I'm finally recovering from surgery to fix my severe underbite, which included breaking my upper and lower jaw, forcing my teeth to line up properly, then pinning them until the bone healed. My wife can’t mentally cope, because I no longer look like the man she loves. She wants a divorce. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML
Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML
Today, in a bid to avoid going to the dentist, my husband decided to have one of his drunk buddies pull his tooth out with pliers. Now he has to have surgery to remove the shards of tooth left rotting in his mouth. It’s going to cost thousands. Thanks babe. FML
Today, my wife told me how she really felt about me, and said she didn't love me anymore. We got married last month. FML
Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
I think you should feel "goofy looking," it's the best-case scenario.
Yudith 28
Is she still stoned off her box? If she is, now is the time to tell her a couple truths of your own.
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Comments (3)
RichardPencil 32
I think you should feel "goofy looking," it's the best-case scenario.
Yudith 28
Is she still stoned off her box? If she is, now is the time to tell her a couple truths of your own.
Crowned Sataness 12
anesthesia can make you say some fecked up shit. she didn't mean it