Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML
Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML
Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML
Today, I watched Change-Up with my dad. He made us leave half-way through the movie, because he thought I was too young to watch a movie this explicit. I'm 25. FML
mimiani tells us more.
mimiani 7
I am a woman and it was really awkward watching it with my dad.
Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened the browser repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML
Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML
Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML
sakura_girl tells us more.
sakura_girl 14
Patient needs routine blood investigations; medical student needs more experience. That's the gist of it.
Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML
Today, I got my wedding photos back from my sister, a "professional" photographer who offered to do our wedding as a gift. It turns out that not only did she not catch most of the ceremony or reception, but all of the outdoor photos feature a large garbage bag in the background. FML
Dreamcatcher1229 tells us more.
That's fair. The back story is that I said yes to her offer because her other work is actually quite good. Her other wedding photos for previous instances looked beautiful, and that's how I assumed mine would turn out. I take responsibility, my husband and I shouldn't have assumed anything. I found out after the wedding that she doesn't like him much to begin with, soooooo I guess putting two and two together I can reasonably say that her distaste has something to do with the shotty and neglectful work. To answer a previous question here, forgive me for not answering the asker directly, the shots we ened up with for the ceremony itself were one of the first kiss, one of our intro as a married couple, and several blurred shots of mostly the audience with a hint of ceremony at the background. She did get my brother walking me down, but not of the beidesmaids and groomsmen. And mind you, she and I DID discuss in advance what events and who in the party we wanted pictured, as well as my request to catch as much of the reception as possible. We had a lot of friends and family travel from far away, and I had asked for more pictures of everyone together, mingling, and enjoying themselves. And thank you to whomever suggested we retouch some of the pictures, we've actually been working on that project and it's going well so far. So all in all I'd like to say that while I was disappointed in the outcome and the sad realization that my sister and I don't have the best of relationships, My husband and I are happy regardless and, thanks to other guests, still ended up with some good pictures. Also, a friend filmed the ceremony itself from beginning to end, so we're going to try to get some stills from that. This is a good lesson in perspective, I guess. Yeah, the situation ended in an FML for one particular detail, albeit an important one, but hey, at least my husband didn't bail out at the altar, or I didn't throw up or something. :-P Okay, sorry for that novel. lol Carry on!
Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML
Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML
Today, I had a seizure for the first time in months. My fiancé went over to my job to let them know I wouldn't be going in. My boss bitched both of us because I didn't call myself. Sure, I'll get right on that when I'm conscious. FML
Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped their pen and climbed onto the roof. Again. FML
MisUnFortunate tells us more.
Hi, I posted this FML. So the goats have escaped their pen and climbed onto the shed roof, don't ask me how because I have no idea. They also attack the watchdog we got specifically to watch them. Poor guy. If my mom didn't like having goats so much I'd have already sacrificed them to Satan, believe me.
Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML
Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML
Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML
Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was really excited to meet his brother, since his brother is his best friend. One of the first questions his brother asked me was, "He did tell you he isn't the handsome brother, right?" Followed by, "You aren't a feminist are you?" FML
Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML
Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend about allegedly texting another girl behind my back and exchanging nudes. I asked him, “If I were to look through your phone right now, would we still be together in the next 5 minutes?” He responded by smashing his phone to the ground and stomping it to smithereens. FML
Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid's parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML
Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML
Today, while out with my girlfriend, her stalker ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and beat the shit out of me. While I was on the ground, my girlfriend got angry at him, and went to go “talk with him in private.” She’s nowhere to be found, and hasn’t picked up her phone in four hours. FML
Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML
Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML
Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML
Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML
Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML
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