Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML
Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML
Today, I was eating dinner with my husband and his family. My father-in-law says to my mother-in-law, "You know what’s in your mouth? Sausage!" It was so random that I laughed, as quietly as I could. My husband then loudly asked me what was so funny. Everyone went quiet and looked at me. FML
Today, my boss came to my cubicle to give me my annual performance bonus. I was asleep at my desk. FML
Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML
Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML
Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML
Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML
Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML
Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML
Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend and mine's six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same, so I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What did he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because his wife found out about me. And by extension, I found out about his wife. FML
Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML
Today, I went to the beach on the cote d'azur and the lifeguard told me that even though there were two jellyfish in the bay, it was safe to swim. Five minutes into swimming, I got stung twice. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend and mother have been sending each other sexually-explicit picture messages. FML
Amsterdamned13 tells us more.
To everyone: she told me in a funny way after seeing the phone. He is an EX now, and for now most deff no contact with her. Thanks for kind and also unkind words. Gr from Amsterdam
Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML
Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML
So destructive, but so cute!
Today, on my 21st birthday, my dad handed me £12,000 and revealed he’d been saving my rent. When I asked what for, he told me it was to rent my first house because now I’m 21, he’s throwing my ass out. Neither me or nor my mom could talk him round, and unless I’m out by next week, he’ll start smashing my possessions. FML
Today, I got tired of my brother-in-law making disgusting immature misogynistic remarks so I decided to shut him down by boasting that I make twice his annual salary in a month. Now my husband is pissed at me for humiliating his brother, and letting everyone know out-earn them both. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML
Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML
Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML
Today, I watched Change-Up with my dad. He made us leave half-way through the movie, because he thought I was too young to watch a movie this explicit. I'm 25. FML
mimiani tells us more.
mimiani 7
I am a woman and it was really awkward watching it with my dad.
Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened the browser repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML
Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML
Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML
sakura_girl tells us more.
sakura_girl 14
Patient needs routine blood investigations; medical student needs more experience. That's the gist of it.
Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML
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