Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML
Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML
Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML
Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML
Today, after more than six years of working my ass off, I finally summoned the courage to ask my boss for a raise. She just chuckled, "I'm gonna need you to eat a dick, John." and stared at me unblinking until I awkwardly left. FML
Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered, "Fucking tryhard." FML
Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML
Today, I went to my first day of work in over 2 years. As I approached the boss, he asked me what my name was. Turned out they hired the wrong person. FML
Today, I was called into my first day of work as a cashier. Not even 30 minutes into training, my boss had already "accidentally" touched my ass 7 times. FML
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Top comments
kyat288 9
Walk up to him and whisper 'sore dicksss' and punch him in the groin
Big_lama6 7
That unemployment line isn't looking so bad anymore
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Comments (94)
182crazyking 9
This is the spookiest FML ever.
TurtleSmile 14
Hardly. Perhaps if he had whipped it out whilst whispering to OP and continued this daily then maybe that breaks the top 100.
BunchieRules 31
I'd say the one from a few days ago is creepier, when OP saw someone running from their backyard. Or the one where OP kept hallucinating a llama in their room. (Yes, the llama was me.)
skyenoelle 15
I didn't realize that "horse dicks" is such a spooky thing to be uttered by the words of OP's boss. I definitely wouldn't say that it's the scariest FML ever. OP's boss might just have a very weird sense of humor.
SwaggerMelon 6
I think 1 was trying to make a pun about how horses get "spooked" when they're scared.
BeforeItWasCool 12
Nah, the one where they heard someone scream outside when they live in the middle of nowhere was worse.
Llamassss 21
22- The llama was me.
GuessWhatKids 13
Troll lvl: Master
Inediblepeaches 15
1- Thumb up only because Miku....
KM96 24
Talk about being unlucky and definitely uncalled for! Sorry for you OP
kyat288 9
Walk up to him and whisper 'sore dicksss' and punch him in the groin
kyat288 9
Most thumbs up out of all the comments on this fml... Cool :)
kyat288 9
Lol
Silver996 2
Women don't realize how much it sucks to get socked in the balls.
SenselessPattern 12
#29, I can turn your 2 comments into 1 using magic. Observe: #29 You got the most thumbs down on the FML. Lol. Tada.
onlychildFTW 34
Comment 29 and 30 combined get -100 votes. Comment 3 was +99. So to see what his average thumbs number is we do -100 + 99 = 0 Therefore he has a bad thumbs average of -1 thumbs.
onlychildFTW 34
Dammit. Ran out of time to fix it. It's now -2 thumbs and it shouldn't = 0. Damn.
SenselessPattern 12
Holy shit, I didn't even realize it was the same commenter replying twice to himself. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.
kyat288 9
Ha, I knoww... That was only to see how many comments my phone would let me post on one fml
kyat288 9
So guys, calm downn
Big_lama6 7
That unemployment line isn't looking so bad anymore
Mister_Triangle 21
I'll gladly trade with OP
then000bster 16
I'm really interested in what he would say the next day you work. Whispers, "Bunny Balls...."
djxerxes9000 18
whisper "mule minge" in his.
ynaynd 6
Mr hands?
lebronesque73091 12
Just pretend you didn't hear it. Your boss probably won't continue if you don't acknowledge it.
lacespace 8
Welcome to the jungle.
marcranger 29
You work for Catherine the Great?
syki 22
Actually, the old story about her death is completely false. It was spread around by her political opponents of the age, who did not appreciate a female ruler. Certainly not one was also sexually liberated, behaving in much the way her male counterparts did. It's unfortunate that the myth persists to this day, to the degree that that's all that most people remember her for. She wasn't called 'the Great' for being a horse-******, you know.
Epikouros 32
Way to ruin a good story, syki. Do you have pointy ears?
syki 22
No, Captain, but I have a functioning brain and a decent education. I don't think it's a particularly good story when one of the greatest women in history is reduced to a patriarchal giggle about **********.