Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML
Today, I decided to be nice and do the laundry for the whole family. Apparently, all the guys in the family have skid marks on both the back AND THE FRONT of their underwear. FML
Beauty is pain!
Today, I was using my headset while gaming, and another player couldn't stop laughing at the hilariously high-pitched voice I was putting on. He thought I was mocking the pre-pubescent squeakers on our team. Nope, that's just my natural voice. FML
Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML
Today, I went into labor and got my husband drive me to the hospital. Instead of staying by my side, he rushed back home for a World of Warcraft raid. His excuse? His friends were counting on him and they'd be pissed if he let them down. FML
Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML
Today, I got screamed at by my mom for about 10 minutes because she claims I’m ruining my diet by drinking sparkling water, claiming it’s “soda”. I had to explain that it has zero sugar, calories, etc. She told me that it’s “the same fucking shit.” And to not trust “the government food labels.” Huh? FML
Tear down that wall!
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML
Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML
Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML
Today, I had to clean human excrement at work when the fitting room turned into the shitting room. FML
Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML
Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML
Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML
Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML
Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML
Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML
Today, I had to leave class early due to a profusely bleeding pimple on my forehead. FML
Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML
Today, my fiancé has been jumping out of closets and from around corners with a video camera, trying to catch me naked. He says he wants to post a video online so his old high school friends can "rate" me. I'm now afraid to get intimate, shower, or even change my clothes in my own home. FML
Today, I realised I was far too attached to my duvet. Literally. I just got a large tattoo on my back, and my duvet somehow stuck to my skin during the night and formed part of the scab. I now have the joy of deciding whether to tear it off fast or peel it away slowly. FML
Dramori tells us more.
Dramori 29
OP here! Thanks for the funny comments! This actually happened a couple of years ago - it was my first tatt and was only told to rub it regularly with savlon until it healed, and to sleep on my stomach. I ended up jumping in the shower and soaked the duvet to peel off slowly. As seen from my profile pic it wasn't damaged in the end and turned out pretty damn sweet!
Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML
Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML
kenbez123 tells us more.
kenbez123 10
The neighbour in question was male. No he was not naked (thank god). When he noticed me he just ran off back to his house.
Today, my superior gave me a box of ethernet cables which were previously attached to mainframes storing classified data. He requested I cut them in half so that the residual data would leak out. Not only does this guy make twice my salary, there was no convincing him otherwise. We cut them up. FML
SparkOfJade tells us more.
SparkOfJade 18
First thing first: I'm a girl. I have an engineering degree from one of the top universities in my field, and hold all the necessary certifications and then some. I do have a military background, but I am not in the military any longer, and I now have a full-time job at one of the top IT firms in the country. I'm a consultant, meaning I contract out to our company's clients. The "superior" in question was a higher up on the client side which is why he makes so much more than I do. He's been there at least 10 years. I'm on year 2 with my company. As anyone who's been a contractor will tell you, you can only explain to a client that they are being insane for so long until you do what they ask because they are paying the bills and "the customer is always right" *sigh* I obviously can not tell you which client it was. I'm really enjoying the witty responses, and even the not so witty ones (I did use the proper form of "there," you imbecile.)
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML
Today, my mother started nagging me for spending $500 on a guitar, stating that, "We're not in the mood for unnecessary bullcrap." I paid for it with MY money, and she suddenly turned up at MY house because my father kicked her out of their house after finding out that she cheated on him. FML
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