Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML
Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear-ending the person in front of me. FML
Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML
Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML
Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML
Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML
Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML
Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML
Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML
Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML
Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML
Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML
Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML
Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML
Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML
Today, my boyfriend of the last 2 years, who is suicidal and heavily depressed, left me because he thinks I "deserve better". Not to mention I was his best friend, therapist, mother and girlfriend all in one. He left me with rent due in a week and all other expenses because he couldn’t take care of me in return. FML
Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML
Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML
Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!" I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to spice things up and do 69. My mom walked in on us right as we came. FML
Today, I ran up to my boyfriend to kiss him when he got home from work. I tripped and I fell on him, and he fell backwards. He ended up hitting his head on the sidewalk and had to get stitches. He also had a concussion. FML
Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML
Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML
Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML
Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML
Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML
Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML
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