Today, my boyfriend has helicopter parents. He offered to take me out on a date for Valentine's Day, but there's one condition: his mother has to be there the whole time. He's 17 years old. FML
Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML
Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML
Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML
Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML
Today, I came home at 1 am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML
Today, after scrubbing every surface twice a week for a month, I finally found the source of the pee smell in my bathroom. Under the toilet. The people who built our house didn't think it was necessary to seal around the toilet. There was two years of pee under there. FML
Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text, saying, "lol ur a fat fukc". FML
Today, I found out how easy it is for people to get into my flat when I found bailiffs in my kitchen at 9am. They had picked the lock to look for someone who doesn't live at my address, but at least had the courtesy to tell me how to make my home more secure. FML
LadyFahrenheit tells us more.
I just want to give more of an insight of the events surrounding the bailiff intrusion. A couple of weeks prior to finding them in my kitchen, I received a letter from an electricity company, which was intended for another customer. I contacted the electricity company to inform them I had received a letter for someone else, and they assured me that they would rectify their mistake. Fast forward a fortnight - I found bailiffs in my kitchen. They had picked the lock to gain entry, and had a search warrant, which they claimed gave them the right to enter my home. However, once I told showed them my I.D. and informed them their search warrant was invalid since I wasn't who they were looking for, they soon left. It baffles me how they could say it was so easy to open my front door, when they'd opened it with locksmith tools. I'm definitely going to have to improve my home security to avoid another incident like this.
Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML
Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML
Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML
Today, I had a customer tell me that I don't look a day over 39. I'm 35. FML
Today, it's now the third week my boyfriend's best friend has been sleeping on our bedroom floor because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions back at his parents' place. My boyfriend sees no problem with this, and says he can stay and live off us as long as he wants. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML
Today, my shoe fell apart a few minutes after I got to work. I called my boyfriend and asked him to bring me the "pretty black pair" in my closet. What did he bring? Black stilettos. I'm a waitress with an eight-hour shift. FML
Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML
Today, I nearly drowned. I was at a wave pool for the first time and stupidly swam out to the deep end. When the waves turned on, I discovered I can't swim in rough water. Despite my yelling, "Help!" and flailing around, the lifeguard paid me no attention. My friend had to save me. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML
Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML
Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML
Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML
Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML
Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML
Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML
Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a long haul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose, 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response? "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML
Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML
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