The Top

Wow! Just to fill you in, it was the first time in 15+ years of professional employment that I have been late to anything, no less a meeting that I had arranged. It was a Skype meeting which needed no set-up, and my prep work had already been done. I always set aside a few minutes for people who join slightly late, so it wouldn't have been a problem if I didn't run causing me to be over temperature. Clearly you have missed the main point of my post; but thank you for the un-warranted personal attack and unsolicited advice nevertheless! I truly hope you don't speak to people like this in real life.

Emergency

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 388

You deserved it 7 454

By Maestro - 01/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 574

You deserved it 4 054

Surprise

By Anonymous - 10/03/2016 16:41 - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 515

You deserved it 1 788

People of Walmart

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 14:34 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life." I'm 26 and just very short. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 009

You deserved it 2 713

By Anonymous - 01/10/2013 20:25 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 585

You deserved it 3 339

Free labor

By Stopmakingthishurt - 17/11/2021 01:56

Today, I finally accepted my mom will never be a good person, and I'm looking forward to her dying. Apparently, she'd been telling everyone I was a difficult child. I was cooking dinner for her and her boyfriends way back in elementary school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 116

By ahuman - 29/09/2013 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 777

You deserved it 9 778

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

By dumb dumb - 14/08/2020 14:00

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 248

It's Thursday!

By horriblefashionsense - 26/09/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 634

You deserved it 6 279

Alexa, play "The Sign" by Ace of Base

By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 154

You deserved it 4 963

By DrugsRX - 17/10/2012 22:58 - United States - Winder

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 216

You deserved it 3 886

Wanking yourself to death

By SkinsCastSelection - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 315

You deserved it 47 649

Poultry

By sparkynobe - 30/12/2016 08:24 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a co-worker asked me what meat we use for the drumsticks. We work in a chicken factory. This co-worker also thought that spreading out the chicken wings more evenly in the tray would increase the overall weight of the product. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 005

You deserved it 273

By Anonymous - 18/09/2013 21:47 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 764

You deserved it 4 844

Lost

By Alicia - 21/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 441

You deserved it 6 373

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 08:01 - Canada

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 182

Good guys

By Raquel - 14/12/2021 08:01

Today, I found out my husband was having an affair with his coworker. When I had a talk with him about it, his response in all seriousness was, “Lose that weight that you didn’t have before and I’ll stop fucking her.” I’d gained weight giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 205

You deserved it 374

Hot boy summer

By dumbassbuffet - 11/11/2011 15:53 - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 755

You deserved it 84 135

By Angela17 - 24/10/2018 05:00

Today, it's 3:42 a.m. and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 966

You deserved it 332

Invaded

By icanteven - 12/09/2013 01:12 - United States - Florence

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 975

You deserved it 2 939

By whatadisappointmnet - 05/11/2011 18:58 - United States

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 625

You deserved it 9 982

By paprikarulz - 01/07/2009 10:31 - Australia

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 381

You deserved it 76 221

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I’m considering a divorce. My father-in-law has never liked me and is very vocal about that, names like "bastard" and "prick" are common. My wife is normally very headstrong and takes no nonsense, but she lets him treat me this way so she must agree with him. The wedding was only a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 194

Today, I did my laundry in my dorm. After dragging 2 hampers down 4 flights of stairs, my ID card with money on it was rejected. After dragging it back upstairs, I scrounged up enough quarters from friends. Thirty minutes after finally starting my laundry, I realized I forgot to add detergent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 761

You deserved it 48 890

Today, due to a health insurance mix up, my schizophrenic girlfriend has been off her meds for a little over a week. She's convinced I can read her mind, and if I don't stop "pretending" she'll slit my throat in my sleep. Her medication won't be available for at least another two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 390

You deserved it 2 731

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 032

You deserved it 1 381

Today, I went down to my congresscritter's office to deliver some paperwork. Somehow, I'd forgotten the pocketknife I kept on me for hiking, from four years ago, back when I could walk consistently. The security guards were kind enough not to laugh at me, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 221

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 161