The Top

Wow! Just to fill you in, it was the first time in 15+ years of professional employment that I have been late to anything, no less a meeting that I had arranged. It was a Skype meeting which needed no set-up, and my prep work had already been done. I always set aside a few minutes for people who join slightly late, so it wouldn't have been a problem if I didn't run causing me to be over temperature. Clearly you have missed the main point of my post; but thank you for the un-warranted personal attack and unsolicited advice nevertheless! I truly hope you don't speak to people like this in real life.

By perenoel - 03/12/2011 16:24 - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 057

You deserved it 6 162

Not a great start

By Anonymous - 21/01/2023 00:00

Today, barely 24 hours after we decided that yes, we were now boyfriend and girlfriend, I caught my “boyfriend” with his cock down my cousin's throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 200

Emergency

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 399

You deserved it 7 454

Doppelganger

By eleonor - 02/12/2008 04:57 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying, "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as smitten with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 319

You deserved it 45 416

The GOP approves

By DianneG - 01/02/2023 02:00

Today, my 36 year-old ex-husband is engaged to my 18 year-old little sister. She’s graduating from high school in May of this year. Our divorce was finalized 3 months ago. My life should be a reality drama show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 340

You deserved it 134

Surprise

By Anonymous - 10/03/2016 16:41 - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 517

You deserved it 1 788

By Anonymous - 01/10/2013 20:25 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 594

You deserved it 3 341

By Anonymous - 18/01/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 988

You deserved it 20 702

By ahuman - 29/09/2013 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 782

You deserved it 9 782

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

By dumb dumb - 14/08/2020 14:00

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 249

It's Thursday!

By horriblefashionsense - 26/09/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 637

You deserved it 6 281

By Faithful - 24/11/2011 10:01 - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 337

You deserved it 7 735

By DrugsRX - 17/10/2012 22:58 - United States - Winder

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 225

You deserved it 3 886

By Anonymous - 18/09/2013 21:47 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 768

You deserved it 4 845

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 08:01 - Canada

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 713

You deserved it 183

Make your mind up

By Anonymous - 14/12/2021 01:58

Today, I had threesome with my wife and her best friend. Now my wife is mad at me for sleeping with her best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 1 346

By Proposal Fail - 01/01/2015 05:47 - United States - Holbrook

Today, my proposal to my girlfriend was supposed to be exactly when the ball dropped at midnight. Unfortunately my mother called her at 11:55pm to ask her if she liked the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 661

You deserved it 3 761

By Great... - 09/11/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 632

You deserved it 5 679

By Angela17 - 24/10/2018 05:00

Today, it's 3:42 a.m. and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 971

You deserved it 333

Oh please

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 934

You deserved it 2 476

Invaded

By icanteven - 12/09/2013 01:12 - United States - Florence

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 979

You deserved it 2 940

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stays away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling, "DNA! DNA!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 466

You deserved it 4 148

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 793

You deserved it 6 677

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 347

You deserved it 5 107

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 522

You deserved it 711

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 154

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 240

You deserved it 1 275