The Top

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The weirdos are reproducing

By pregz - 25/04/2013 00:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 238

You deserved it 4 401

Ewww

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 721

You deserved it 2 393

By jessiluvxx - 25/09/2016 21:08 - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 268

You deserved it 787

By Jenn - 24/09/2017 16:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm, during which I simultaneously shat myself and vomited. I'm so thankful my new partner was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 354

You deserved it 651

By kissrocks4 - 11/04/2012 07:04 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 463

You deserved it 3 177

I'll be back

By missmolliss - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Norfolk

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 778

You deserved it 3 469

By Jioune - 05/07/2016 21:56 - France - Caluire

Today, I learned that my friends nicknamed me Snow White, not because I’ve got dark hair and very pale skin, but because I “only hook up with tiny dudes”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 578

You deserved it 2 580

By mrtoolate - 19/06/2016 08:58 - India - Pune

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 941

You deserved it 1 754

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 249

You deserved it 28 498

Tipped off

By MicachuPikachu - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Independence

Today, to make it seem like customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came out of my own pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 375

You deserved it 14 045

By sadman - 05/02/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I had a date with a girl I'd been seeing for about a month. When I got home, I saw her Facebook status changed to "In a relationship." This made me kind of excited, until I realized it wasn't with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 3 803

Ghost in the machine

By smdh - 22/10/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, my mother told me that my dead grandmother speaks to her. How? When she's thinking of her while brushing her teeth, her electric toothbrush will suddenly stop buzzing and this tells her her mother is communicating with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 718

You deserved it 1 805

By Kat - 08/11/2008 07:51 - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 445

You deserved it 5 234

The Voice

By Username - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk, saying, "Shut the fuck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 426

You deserved it 4 380

Delicious smell

By Delicious - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I found out that the shower sponge I've been using for a while now is the very same sponge my friends used to wipe up my vomit when I was drunk. I have been exfoliating a puked on sponge for more than a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 652

You deserved it 32 605

By The horror... - 11/11/2015 16:52 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 405

You deserved it 3 176

By just_friends - 27/10/2010 17:19 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 375

You deserved it 3 611

Tasty

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 14:31 - Denmark

Today, at a party, a fly flew into my mouth. I spat it out, and in an effort to wash my mouth out, I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 772

You deserved it 9 837

By 12yearsoldapparently - 06/07/2015 23:02 - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 378

You deserved it 6 118

By wrongplacewrongtime - 22/02/2013 06:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 909

You deserved it 58 307

Yummy

By ohnolunch - 05/03/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, so I made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informed me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 772

You deserved it 15 993

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 15:25

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 499

You deserved it 2 411

By KJS - 10/03/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 304

You deserved it 7 112

Little darling

By Anonymous - 21/05/2016 04:27 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on the job. After his mom finally got home 4 hours later, he called her a slut. When he got in trouble for it, he claimed that I taught him the word. Needless to say, I didn't get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 172

You deserved it 895

Wanking to death

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 00:17 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 781

You deserved it 12 443

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 606

You deserved it 4 467

By hrmpf - 19/01/2016 14:37 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 016

You deserved it 2 973

By santa_maria - 25/08/2011 21:45 - Reunion

Today, I had an interview for an internship at an independent lawyer's office. Hoping to increase my chances of being hired, I dressed up sexily with a short skirt, high heels, and ample cleavage. Turns out his wife handles the interviews. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 214

You deserved it 106 859

What a massive clock

By Rhianna - 22/11/2009 04:05 - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year-old clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 477

You deserved it 7 707

By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 12:44 - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 797

You deserved it 35 370

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The Top

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 764

You deserved it 9 716

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I was in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 997

You deserved it 2 887

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 895

You deserved it 40 125

Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to a new level when he pushed an emergency, "Stop all" button, causing my firm to miss multiple deadlines, causing massive losses In profits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 894

You deserved it 650

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 183

Today, my coworkers threw me a surprise birthday party. When I walked in and they yelled “SURPRISE!”, I screamed, dropped my coffee, and reflexively shouted, “Who are you people?!” before realizing it was for me. They’re still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 284