Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML
Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML
Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML
Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML
Today, I called a potential employer. I left a message asking him to return my call. When he did, my drunk friend answered my phone with, "I make a sexy-time with my mother in-law." I called him back twice immediately to explain. No answer. That was my last hope for a decent job. FML
Today, I was introduced to my boyfriend's family at a family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4 year-old sister comes in and jumps onto my lap. For a moment I was happy to think his sister liked me, only to hear her say, "You're fat! I like fat things." FML
Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML
Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me from her parents' house where she is visiting. They were BBQing outside when out of the blue her childhood friend Adam showed up at the door for the BBQ. She asked her parents why he was there, and her dad replied that he "wants her to know that she has options." FML
Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML
Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML
Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML
Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML
Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML
Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML
Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML
Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML
Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML
Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML
Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML
Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML
Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML
Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year-old son. He wriggled away and said, "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or get another Simon!" FML
Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said, "I'm cheap and I'm easy." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time, and all I could say was, "Can I have my parking permit back?" FML
Today, my upstairs neighbor woke me with her sex moans, reminding me how single I'll be on Valentine's. FML
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Whoa this got published haha! Thank you guys, being single is not a bad thing to me, I very much enjoy it in some ways, not so much in others. Hearing someone be intimate with another makes me wish I had that though. Just a thought. Happy valentines!
Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML
Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML
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