Today, I walked in on my husband putting my anti-wrinkle cream on his balls. He said, "I thought it'd help." FML
Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML
Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML
Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML
Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML
Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML
Today, I was going to a concert. I left my wallet at home because I was afraid it would get stolen, or lost or something. After an awesome night, I came back home to find that my house had been broken into, and every dollar that was in my wallet got stolen. FML
Mkester tells us more.
Mkester 0
To clarify, they went through pretty much every drawer in the house, so I would have had to lock it in a safe or something, I suppose. And, it was Metallica :P
Today, my family and I went on a hike to a local abandoned gold mine, with the hopes of being able to explore the caves. What we didn't expect was four miles of treacherous, rocky, near vertical trails that led to the mine. Once we finally got there, exhausted, it was blocked off for safety reasons. FML
Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML
Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML
Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML
Today, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I want to start working out and get rid of my holiday weight. His response? "Okay, just don't join a gym. People will have to see you there." FML
Today, my boss's incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML
Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML
Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML
Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML
Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML
Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML
Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying two minutes of my life. FML
Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML
Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML
Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML
Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, three policemen interrogated me and asked for ID, but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML
Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML
Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML
Today, while on my way to an important interview, I was stopped and ticketed for speeding. The ticket made me 20 minutes late, but when I showed up, I was told they forgot to call and let me know that the woman I was supposed to meet with called in sick this morning. FML
psuedodragon tells us more.
psuedodragon 23
Funny you should mention zombie attacks... The reason I was late was because I slept through my alarm after a particularly intense, long weekend, zombie survival prep camp (basically a lot of running in between short classes on survival skills for three days). I know I shouldn't have been speeding, but it was important enough that the $135 would have been worth paying... y'know, if they hadn't forgotten to tell me it was cancelled...
Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML
Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML
Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML
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