The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Ummmm… OK?

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

Today, I got engaged. When I called my father, who is out of state for a few days, to tell him, his response was, "What'd you do that for?" FML

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

Cook out

Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he came up the stairs, "Stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the trash. We'll eat sandwiches. FML

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML

My new BFF

Today, my wife got a new best friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

Drilling

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

Lost

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously looked lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

No fun

Today, my coworkers decided to play a game of "Who Can Piss the Boss Off the Most". I opted not to play, but I still won. FML

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

Stunned silence

Today, my 7 year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of a supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

Net!

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

Today, my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. I said thank you but informed him that my birthday is tomorrow. He told me that I was wrong and screamed at me for 20 minutes. When I still wouldn't agree with him, he hung up and turned my phone service off. FML

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

Dressed for success

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and I was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

Explain yourself

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

Today, my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today. I decided to surprise him by completing the job myself. Painting the last window frame, I dropped the open tin of white paint, right onto our car roof. FML

Today, my 16-year-old cousin came to visit for the week. So far, she's said "raunchy", "cray-cray", "legit", and "like" an uncountable number of times. She's only been here for a half hour. FML

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

Today, it's been three weeks since I moved to Germany with my own money, after my company's offices in Spain shut down. I was given a job at the headquarters here, only to have just found out that the whole company is now set to go into liquidation. FML

HELP! HEEEELP! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my grandma gave me a gift, something she's never done before. I was excited, until I found out it was one of her overdue library books about dolphins. I feel so loved. FML

Who did you piss off?

Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon." FML