Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML
Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML
Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML
Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML
Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML
Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML
Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML
Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML
Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML
Today, I got a card from the jewelry store thanking me for purchasing an engagement ring a year ago and wishing me and my fiancée a long and everlasting marriage. Too bad my fiancée took off with the pizza delivery boy 6 months ago. FML
Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML
Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML
Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML
Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML
Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML
Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML
Today, I found out that storing a partially empty bowl of ice cream in the freezer overnight along with the spoon, and then trying to take a bite the next day, can have the same effect as sticking your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of winter. FML
Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML
Today, after getting back from a year-long world trip, I nearly fell on my knees and cried when I saw boxes of Twinkies at my local gas station. Finding out they were back was the highlight of the year. FML
AwkwardPartyBear tells us more.
I feel that I should have explained a bit further about the trip. A group and I went for charity causes (sort of like a Meals on Wheels world tour donation- just with a group). We could have shipped goods, but as someone said in the group, "it took out the adventure in the purpose". Although, we didn't explore as much as we meant to.. and instead donated/volunteered in different charity events throughout the year in different cities/countries. I'm happy among the fact that we helped the cause, but it was not much of a world-adventure as some FML commenters picture it. But I did buy a shitload of Twinkies and embarrassed myself hugging the boxes while crying rivers in the middle of the gas station.
Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML
Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML
mr1234 tells us more.
mr1234 6
OP here--I'm quite happy with my life otherwise; I have great family, a place to live and food to eat, a job I really like. I'm just very lonely. However, in my experience with dating sites, I get very frustrated because many of the dates go nowhere (because of many different reasons, many of them objectively pertaining to the other party). I do not go out to bars/clubs, and even though I have a number of activities outside the house, they are majority female (kickboxing, walking group, female friends that don't know a lot of single males, etc). I feel like I'm really missing that special someone in my life, and want to do all I can to find him, but "dating" is just making me feel worse and worse about myself (over multiple years). So literally, I have no other choice that to be unhappy (in this area) and alone, or be horribly uncomfortable on dates with strangers (which are indeed few and far between to begin with). So **** all of you for saying i deserve it. maybe with some background you'll understand that character limitations don't show the whole story.
Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML
Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML
Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML
Today, my friend made the effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital to get blood taken. The nurse mentioned how pronounced and easy to see my veins are. I guess that explains why she missed five times in a row. I'm surprised my arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's right now. FML
Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML
Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML
Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML
Wolfie898 tells us more.
my mom is actually divorced
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