Today, while out grocery shopping with my mother, she asked me to hold a large bag of rice for her. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd been absent-mindedly stroking it the whole time, just like when I pick up my cat. FML
Sheh_fml tells us more.
Sheh_fml 25
The bag of rice didn't have any handle, so I held it kinda resting against my torso, just like when holding my cat. I guess it has just become a habit. Loving all the puns :)
Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML
Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML
Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML
Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML
Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML
Today, I thought I lost my wallet. Canceled my bank cards. Bought a new wallet. Got a $141 parking fine at the motor registry while getting my replacement license which also cost me $22. Went to go to the gym and when I went to put my bike jacket on, felt something inside the sleeve. My wallet. FML
Romie1985 tells us more.
I actually did look for my wallet, spent over 3 hours looking for it in all obvious places, tore my house apart, checked my clothing pockets several times. It wasn't in the pocket, it fell down the sleeve of my motorcycle jacket. You say I'm an idiot yet half you people can't even read. "Should of checked your pockets". It was down in the sleeve not in the pocket.
Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replied, "You farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML
Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML
Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to Snapchat that said "The love of my life." It was a picture of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "The 2nd love of my life." It was a picture of the fuel truck that he drives for work. FML
Today, my boyfriend was on the roof of his house. I climbed the ladder but I'm kind of scared of heights, so when I got up there I just sat on the edge. The gutter broke, fell down, and I fell along with it. My boyfriend then said, "I've been trying to tell you to go on a diet". FML
Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML
Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML
Today, I was invited to a party to celebrate my ex-fiancée's recent engagement. The party is at work, because my ex is also my boss. Her new fiancée is some guy she met while on a "business trip" that happened while we were still engaged. FML
Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML
Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML
Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex, asking if I would go out with him tonight. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML
Today, I joined my school's film-making club so I could get an opportunity to act in the club president's screenplays. It turns out her idea of a tragedy is a creepy, sci-fi version of Romeo and Juliet, with elves, starring her as the perfect Mary Sue style lead character. I can't get out of this. FML
Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML
Today, one of the guests I was in the middle of seating knocked an empty wine glass from the table. I assured them it was all right, and kneeled down to pick up the now broken glass. The lady insisted on helping, as far as picking the glass up and dumping the shards into my open hands. FML
Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML
Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML
Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML
Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML
Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML
Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML
Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML
Today, I found a job after two years of searching. I excitedly called my best friend to tell her the good news. She decided break her own news about how she quit yet another good paying job and found an even better one within hours. FML
MzZombicidal tells us more.
This actually happened a couple months ago, but I'm currently very happy with my new job (I work as a sales associate for my local grocery store, if you're wondering). I WAS very happy for my friend but I couldn't help but to be irritated at her luck of continuously quitting and finding jobs with ease (She works with elderly people). I had been near the breaking point when I finally got the job. My best friend, however, has continuously quit jobs and gotten new ones in no time. We obviously work in different fields and, even though I seemed jealous, I was very happy to hear she was able to land on her feet after quitting her job. We joke about it now and she apologized if she seemed rude and all is fine. :) I love the people I work with and am getting good pay. Win win! We're both happy with our current positions and things couldn't be better!
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