Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML
Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML
Today, I was at the doctor's for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, "Oh and if you could lose some weight, that'd be great." FML
Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML
Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML
Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML
Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML
Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML
Today, I found out I received a "D" on my ethics exam, not because I did not know the information or did not follow the correct guidelines for writing the moral arguments, but because according to my professor my moral values are wrong. FML
ecuboy tells us more.
To answer some questions: I attend a public university (ECU), and the professor teaches closed-minded ethics. If you take anybody's cultural background or own personal beliefs into consideration when determining if what they did was morally right or wrong than you are wrong. There are no gray areas and there are no extenuating circumstances to change that in his mind.
Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML
Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML
Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML
Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML
Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML
Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML
Today, at work, I stepped out for a few minutes to use the bathroom. Shortly after returning, I found out the hard way that one of my coworkers had used my computer to send a profanity-filled email to our boss, calling him an asshole and telling him to go fuck himself. I'm now jobless. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML
Today, a female co-worker was struggling with a stack of boxes in her hands. Her pantyhose was falling down and she asked me to help her, so I pulled up her pantyhose. When I looked up, she had a horrified look on her face. She was asking me to help her hold the boxes. FML
Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML
Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML
Today, it's my birthday and I'd arranged a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML
Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML
Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML
Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML
Today, I decided to try LSD with a few friends in a safe environment. As an artist, I had planned to spend my trip doing psychedelic paintings and had all my supplies set up. Apparently I spent most of my time in fetal position muttering about the "evil easel" and never even touched my canvas. FML
oldshitnewshit tells us more.
Looking at the comments I see we've got some seriously mixed opinions about me. So, first off: Hi, I'm Juniper, I'm 23 and I'm in art school in the US. I have never tried LSD or any other kind of "hardcore" drug before this. My friend had some tabs that he had used before and asked me if I wanted to try it. I agreed, only after doing extensive research, and determining that the risk was one I was willing to take. During that research, I stumbled across some beautiful works of people who had done art under the influence and thought perhaps I could have some fun trying that as well. I'm an art student and always open to new things. My parents were also hardcore hippies back in the day, and they've told me about their psychedelic experiences. I knew my risks. I have no plans to take LSD again, although I'm not currently suffering any adverse effects aside from water tasting kinda metallic for the next 24 hours (this took place about a week ago.) And the FML is actually not entirely true, but exaggerated for comedic effect. The paranoia and muttering did not last the entire time, only about 15-30 minutes. My entire trip lasted about 9-10 hours. One of my friends decided to remove the easel when she saw that it was making me upset. I think its large, angled presence in the room was off-putting. I actually spent the majority of my time having a good trip, my friends took great care of me. And despite not touching my canvas, I made some radical drawings. I did my research, I knew my risks, I set myself up responsibly. I'm not looking for sympathy or support– I just thought I'd share my kinda funny story. Those of you who are calling me an idiot are entitled to your opinions, but you're not insulting a wall. I'm a human being that makes choices for myself. Those of you who abstain from drugs, you should be proud! That's wonderful and healthy, but please allow and do not judge me for my own choices. My experimental phase is not harmful or offensive to you. And to my fellow art junkies: I wasn't expecting to create a masterpiece, this was for fun. I'm a learning artist!
Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML
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