Today, after religiously eating healthy, getting good sleep, and trying to keep my stress level low, I'm stuck in bed with aches, fever, sore throat, the shits and throwing up. My wedding is in 2 days. FML
Today, my boyfriend stuck his finger in my butt and I liked it, but I can’t ever tell him that or he’ll get that smug look on his face like, “I told you so, let’s have anal now.” FML
Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML
Today, I meant to prank my boyfriend with a fake pregnancy, but when he walked in, he had his elderly mom with him. She saw all the pregnancy stuff I’d set up for the prank and got so excited that she had a stroke, and is now in a vegetative state and might not wake up. FML
Today, I'm starting to realize my wife's baby loves me more than my wife. FML
Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML
Today, I bought a new bike from a sporting goods store. I secured the bike in the back seat and slammed the door shut, but I didn't pay close enough attention to the placement of the handlebars. I had to return the bike to pay for the shattered window. FML
Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML
Today, I had a dream I saw my dad. I tried to talk to him, but then I woke up. He died last Monday. FML
Today, a girl in my glass was complaining that her neck hurt. I thought if I forcibly turned her head side-to-side, it would instantly fix it like in the movies. It didn't. She was in so much pain, she couldn't even talk, and had to go to the hospital. FML
Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML
Today, I complained to my parents about chest pains. My mom said, "For fuck’s sake, it’s our day off. Can we just have ONE day without your drama?" Turns out, I was actually having a heart attack. She still won’t apologize, and is in fact mad at me for having a heart attack on her day off. FML
Today, my wife picked an argument about me so-called being selfish because I buy myself sweets and certain drinks, and they make sit in the refrigerator for a long time. My stepson will then ask for them, and I say no. I just don’t believe in rewarding bad behavior. Plus it’s mine. FML
Today, I tried to get a funny reaction from my dogs with a fart, like I saw in a YouTube video. I shat my pants and the dogs didn't even notice. FML
Today, my "friends" who know very well that I am terrified of bees forced me to face my fears, despite my protesting. As my "friends" watched and laughed while I tried to keep calm, a wasp showed up and scared me half to death, thereby angering the other bees. My face looked like a giant raspberry after the fact. FML
Today, after two and half years at my company and after recently being promoted, I was told by my boss the business doesn't feel it needs me, and invited me to find another job. FML
Today, my husband got home from hospital following a suicide attempt that was a hair's breadth from being successful, and told me he did it because he can’t handle being married, being a father, having responsibilities, then he moved out and refuses to come home. FML
Today, once again, my partner is screaming at me for something that I have done and, as usual, she won't tell what it was, only that, "You know what you did," and, as usual, I have no idea. FML
Today, my fiancé told a priest on the bus to fuck off, because he was annoying her with all his God talk. She didn’t know the priest had been our family's priest for the past 40 years, the guy we were supposed to talk to about our wedding next year. Guess that’s not happening now. FML
Today, for the second time in a year, I am a victim of bank fraud. All my money was in there, and I move today. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML
Today, my girlfriend trusted me enough to tell me that she's trans. I have no problem with this, the problem is my sister overheard her. She ran and told our parents, who are also our landlords, so now either I dump the woman I love or we'll both be homeless. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML
Today, I can't drink coffee anymore due to its turbo-diarrhea effect on me. I also have to take something with caffeine everyday or I will have a migraine, so I drink Diet Coke. Today, I saw on TV that even two cans of soda a week erase the heart health gains made during exercise. Goodbye, healthy hearth. FML
Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML
Today, I thought I would take my family to the beach for the day. My wife is sitting on the front porch, not talking to me, because after working a 60-hour week, I would rather enjoy my family and the fruits of my labor, rather than help her clean the house that she has spent all week at, doing nothing. FML
Today, I had to yell at both my adult children; my daughter for having an OnlyFans page and my son for finding the page, blackmailing her for money for two months, then telling me about it when she refused to keep paying. I'm not a proud parent right now. FML
Today, I found out my sex-ed teacher from high school was married and had her first child while she herself was still in high school. Looks like she didn't pay enough attention in sex-ed. FML
Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML
Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML
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