Today, while working at my unfulfilling part-time job, my colleague said, "Are you aware of how much you sigh?" And then she said, "You're too young for that." So, am I supposed to hold my breath now? FML
Today, while talking to a friend, I momentarily forgot the word for archery and instead called it, “Bow-and-Arrow Jutsu.” FML
Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML
Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML
Today, a colleague was talking about how she'd made some tomato sauce from scratch for her dad, but then he died before she could give it to him. I said she should have put it in the casket with him so the cremation would've been a real barbeque. My filter is broken. FML
Today, at work I had to handle two selfish parents returning their adopted 6 year-old daughter to foster care because, “She doesn’t, like, fit with our lifestyle, and my mom is, like, too old to babysit her anymore and we, like, can’t afford a nanny.” I hate my job. FML
Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML
Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML
Today, my roommate walked in on me playing Ocarina of Time and snarkily asked me why I’m playing a 20 year-old game. Apparently I’m not allowed to like stuff that didn’t come out this year. FML
Today, I'm ignored and bored so much at my dream job that I've started bringing in my fanfiction to write when no one is around. Which is 80% of the day. I'm training to be a civil engineer. My experience writing fanfiction should take me really far in my chosen career. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother why his relationship with a just-turned 18 year-old would be inappropriate. According to him, they’ve been “dating” for two years now but “haven’t had sex or anything.” He’s 39. He got mad at me for calling him a pedophile and smashed my glass table. FML
Today, I was fired from a job I didn't know I had. That is to say, the company hired me but didn't tell me, so when I didn't show up for work two days in a row, they called and claimed job abandonment. FML
Today, I'd started dialysis and the cap at the end of my PD tube came off. It’s meant to stop infection, and it’s filled with betadine. I said I had to go to the office. My teacher wouldn’t let me, so I walked out of class. I got detention for trying to prevent getting a major infection. FML
Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML
Today, I poured gas around my house for pest control. I can still smell it from inside. FML
Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML
Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML
Today, my dad, who never supported us growing up, and who calls once a month to collect his monthly living expenses, gave me an ultimatum: either buy him a plane ticket so that he can come live with me forever (he's a raging alcoholic) OR to send him $4,500 US Dollars (which where he lives is someone's 6 month salary). FML
Today, while I was talking to my boss, he got a call from "babe". The number that was calling him was my girlfriend's. FML
Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML
Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML
Today, I’m married to a man who thought Trump had several good ideas but just went about it the wrong way, but he’s sure he’ll do better next time when he takes the White House back from Biden. FML
Today, I had to run to put the trash out for the garbage truck, only I was so hungover, I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML
Today, my mom told me to be my sister’s maid of honor at her wedding or I’m out of her will. She says if I don’t go, I’m being selfish, and she wants to see her “baby girls” bonding one last time before she dies. I would gladly go if my sister wasn’t marrying my ex-husband, who cheated on me with her. FML
Today, my husband has been isolating for 6 days in our bedroom, with me sleeping in the spare room, since his positive COVID test. I found instructions for how to fake the positive result on our shared iPad. He lied to get out of work, my birthday, and my parents' anniversary party. FML
Today, I was going to put up wallpaper in my bedroom, so I asked my stepdad to switch off the electricity as there was an output on the wall. I started to cut out the wallpaper to fit and accidentally stuck my finger in there. The power was not off. An ambulance had to come check my heart rhythm. FML
Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML
Today, my boyfriend is threatening to dump me if I don’t give him all the details of my menstruation so he can track my periods with an app on his phone. FML
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