Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML
Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML
Today, my seven year-old daughter called me a weirdo. When I yelled and grounded her, she cried and said she thought “weirdo” was a compliment. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML
Today, I was doing my nightly exercises in the living room after my kids went to bed. My youngest got up and saw me doing some hip mobility moves that I’ll admit look a little weird. He then told his teacher that mommy was humping a pillow on the floor. FML
Today, as a teacher, I had a conference with the mother of a student who is struggling with behavior. Turns out the mom is the woman who does my Brazilian waxes. FML
Today, I found out why my 5 year-old son's teacher acts so awkward around me. My son told everyone in his class that I work as a stripper. I'm not a stripper, I work at the strip mall. FML
Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
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Top comments
Inkoseh 33
I'm sorry...that really sucks. Can't say they're not thorough with child protection though! Walk in with a deadpanned face and say "I literally just rub lavender oil on my kids back to help her sleep. I'm a massage therapist." Done! And make sure to talk to her teacher, not just office!
Slyfried 64
♫ But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here ♫♪
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Comments (10)
Inkoseh 33
I'm sorry...that really sucks. Can't say they're not thorough with child protection though! Walk in with a deadpanned face and say "I literally just rub lavender oil on my kids back to help her sleep. I'm a massage therapist." Done! And make sure to talk to her teacher, not just office!
RichardPencil 32
News flash: You are a weirdo!
MidnaLink 35
News flash: you’re not always funny.
Slyfried 64
♫ But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here ♫♪
Sora_McKain 36
I love that song so much.
Mathalamus 25
You kinda are a weirdo. Itjust seems creepy, no matter how innocent it actually is.
PenguinPal3017 19
It's creepy to give your kid a massage to help them sleep? No.
saberjpg 6
Why do call them "Special Massages"? It's just a massage. She should have told people that her mom gives her a massage to help her sleep. It's the "Special" part that makes it sound creepy.
zeeba_neighba 10
Kids don't necessarily understand adult innuendo. A child wouldn't and shouldn't understand what a massage parlor means in Florida. Bob Kraft does✔😌
AmbrosiaFan 19
So explain to her teacher and principal that you are a massage therapist and there isn't anything hokey about it.