The Top

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Lovely Rita

By Greg - 29/08/2020 05:01

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 3 681

Basic Instinct

By too proud to beg - 23/09/2020 02:02

Today, I told my husband that it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable that I’m the only one to ever initiate intimacy. Not just sex, but also basic affection like hugging and kissing. His response? "Oh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 328

You deserved it 283

Daddy! No!

By Brokemommy - 15/03/2023 12:00 - United States

Today, I have to figure out how to explain to my 6 year-old daughter when she gets home from school that she won’t be having a birthday party anymore, because she caught daddy having it off with the babysitter, and now we have nowhere to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 346

Halloween came early

By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 101

I'm an empath

By S Edhouse - 13/04/2023 12:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, and ever since my wife has gone onto birth control pills for her endometriosis, her time of the month now lasts for three weeks each month out of the four, and on the fourth week she gets pains and doesn't feel like sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 240

By anon - 07/02/2017 02:00 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 119

You deserved it 788

Store brand

By ravensarepurple - 31/12/2018 02:00

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out, and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. Twenty minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 480

You deserved it 290

Proud boy

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 08:02

Today, I went on a Tinder date. He seemed pretty normal. Very handsome, and a complete gentleman. Turned out he's a white supremacist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 201

By Elizabeth Ann - 10/05/2019 23:00

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 914

You deserved it 251

Gifted

By YYY - 29/05/2019 18:00

Today, I put all my clothes into two piles. One pile had clothes I usually wear, the other clothes I wanted to donate. When I was done, I put the piles into two jumbo trash bags. I came back a bit later and they both were gone. My mom donated both bags. I have no clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 956

You deserved it 1 095

Class act

By raspberrysachere - 03/06/2019 16:00

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 837

You deserved it 263

Creepy Uncle Dave

By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/06/2019 20:00

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 853

You deserved it 237

Hush

By furious parent - 03/07/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 350

By Welp - 14/06/2017 14:00

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 267

You deserved it 430

Favorite child

By Anonymous - 23/01/2020 01:00

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 186

You deserved it 214

By Nathanael Johnson - 04/08/2019 14:00 - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 132

By tyrettes - 11/08/2019 20:00

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 652

You deserved it 230

Bad guy

By the last straw - 27/09/2023 04:00

Today, my boyfriend's jealousy reached a psychotic new low. While at dinner, I apparently made too much eye contact and dared to smile when the waiter took our order. He screamed, “Why don’t you just have him whip it out so you can suck him off right here?!” I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 196

Skinny Love

By Anonymous - 17/04/2021 05:00

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me because she got tired of me being thinner than her and, in her own words, making her look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 123

By "mala_19" - 04/09/2017 23:15

Today, once again, my boss posted a selfie with a Snapchat filter on the company's Facebook page. She doesn't see how it's unprofessional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 275

You deserved it 274

Fury

By Anonymous - 31/10/2023 04:00

Today, my parents are furious and are refusing to let me see my kids. Why? They're raising my kids after I lost them to foster care and I stopped fighting for custody, and just announced my pregnancy with my new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 2 039

Good job

By kelster - 29/09/2019 06:01

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 256

Hangry

By Anonymous - 23/05/2021 06:01

Today, my son threw a temper tantrum and told me I “should have aborted him” and threatened to run away from home. Why? Because I nicely asked him to share his french fries with his sister. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 266

By secretsant4 - 03/11/2017 14:00

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 919

You deserved it 478

Shelved plans

By twobyfour - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 240

You deserved it 284

Seize the means of production!

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 117

Juicer

By Anonymous - 05/09/2022 18:00

Today, while I was gambling at a casino, my daughter call me. Then added her mother. And then added her dance teacher, my side piece. The call got so loud the Pit Boss had to escort me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 225

You deserved it 3 071

He'll understand when he's older

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 17:00

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 1 767

Reported

By bubblzzz - 21/06/2019 16:01

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 310

You deserved it 150

The gift that keeps on giving

By Katie - 29/08/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 1 734

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The Top

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 025

You deserved it 2 839

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile, I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 1 771

Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 842

You deserved it 10 309

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 599

You deserved it 11 956

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 824

You deserved it 11 942

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 416

You deserved it 3 736