Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML
Today, I got fired because I abruptly hung up on my boss while being pulled over for talking in a hands free zone. I also got a $300 fine. FML
Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML
Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML
Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML
Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended ceiling, since we have no ladder. My phone rang, I rushed to answer it, tripping and smashing my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me he was bringing over a ladder. FML
Today, my grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML
Today, I'm afraid to show my face in church ever again after I farted too hard and shit myself there this past Sunday. I'm the priest. FML
Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML
Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML
Today, I fell asleep in the school bus on the way back home when my loud fart woke me and a few other kids up. I am a teacher. FML
Today, while using the restroom, a little girl crawled under my stall door. She stared at me, then yelled, "Someone's in here!" FML
MidnightMusic53 tells us more.
Yay, I finally got an FML published! No idea how it ended up under anonymous, but so glad anyway. I have the "pleasure" of working at Wal-Mart. I was using the restroom on my break, when suddenly, a random child appears. No idea how old she was, or why her mother couldn't be bothered to follow her, she was way too young to be alone. I started to ask her not to crawl under the door but she was in and out.
Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML
Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML
Today, my $1300 mattress that I bought for my new home was delivered. To my old house. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's family. I thought everything was going well until I went to the bathroom and overheard his family tell him he could have found something better. FML
Today, I overheard my husband screaming and sobbing into the phone. Apparently, his mistress has been cheating on him with both his brother and their uncle. Who’s the woman in question? My much younger niece, who lives next door. I don’t even know where to begin to approach this dumpster fire. FML
Today, I told someone about my degree in technical theatre with a concentration in lighting design. They looked at me and said, "You're paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on and off?" And technically, that's correct. FML
Today, the love of my life said, "You’d make a great husband! Whoever marries you in the future is gonna be so happy!" We’ve been together for 4 years and was planning to propose on her birthday in two weeks. FML
Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML
Today, I was left at home alone while my friends went on a trip to Paris I paid for. FML
Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML
Today, my side chick decided to call my wife and inform her about the affair I was having, all because I slammed on the brakes in the car to avoid hitting a cat and made her spill her frozen yoghurt. FML
Today, my fiancé forgot his wallet. He realized this once we were 5 hours away from home, before checking into a hotel, that had reservations under his name. FML
Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML
Today, I slept with a friend who always bitches about how he can't keep a girlfriend. When he finished within 3 minutes, I understood why. FML
Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML
Today, as something cute to do, my boyfriend and I dressed as Snow White and the Prince so we could photograph the moment he kisses me and I wake up. He thought it would be funny to use his penis, so now there’s a picture of us dressed up with my dumb self kissing his penis with my eyes closed. FML
Today, I told off my crazy sister-in-law after she made my wife cry for putting on weight during lockdown. Then, as I was sleeping in my armchair, the crazy bitch snuck into the house and cut off every single one of my meter-long dreadlocks. Now I got a BALD HEAD. FML
Today, a girl I’ve been fucking told me she’s pregnant after she told me she took the pill. What she really meant was, “Oh, that pill? That was Advil ‘cause I get headaches.” The bitch knows I have a wife and kids. She callously said, “Should've been more specific.” She can’t understand why I’m freaking out. FML
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