Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary. After settling down and pouring a glass of wine, I grabbed a doughnut and quickly realized the filling inside wasn't jelly. He thought it would be funny to replace it with toothpaste. FML
Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML
Today, my parents lectured me about the importance of family, and how forgiveness is necessary. This came after I stopped speaking to my sister. I cut her out of my life after she slept with a second boyfriend of mine. Apparently, it’s up to me to "be the bigger person." FML
Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML
Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML
Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML
Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML
Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date, he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand, and gave me his contact card. FML
Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML
Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML
Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML
Today, I asked my niece to house-sit because she acts very mature and sensible while her brother is an idle slob. Turns out the idle slob nephew is the mature one while the sensible niece actually likes to throw house parties. I found a used condom stuck to my ceiling. FML
Today, I finally spent the night with a new guy after recently ending a 3-year toxic relationship. The new guy disappeared for 2 hours in the middle of the night, then came back to bed. Turns out he was busy snogging my housemate. I really choose them well. FML
Today, my husband says he wants to file for divorce because he’s tired of me being a “bossy boots.” Apparently, asking him to stop sending a 17 year-old girl dick pics as a “joke” is too much to ask. My tongue is going to fall out from the many times I've had to explain to him why it’s inappropriate. FML
Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML
Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML
Today, my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if I wanted a therapist. I said that I didn't know. Then my mom said, "But wait, it's going to cost a lot of money!" FML
Today, I met the man of my dreams. Insane click. He’s just as in love with me. He’s also got a condition I research in my job. It’s literally unethical for us to date. FML
Today, I’m supervising an exam. I spot a girl going to the bathroom with a paper in her pocket. Stopping her just in time, I waved the paper about. It was a sanitary towel. FML
Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML
Today, I was talking to a friend about the US presidential election and mentioned the UK. She got really confused and told me she'd always thought they were the same country. FML
caseyl tells us more.
caseyl 18
Finland. Can't blame the education, my friend is the kind that chooses to forget everything after passing the exams...
Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML
Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML
Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML
Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that, "all Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same." My name is Christopher. FML
Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML
Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML
Today, I booked my holiday flights. There's 700 miles between the small country I live in and the family I'm visiting, normally one 3-hour flight. Thanks to hurricanes Irma and Maria, the only available route traverses 1700 miles and will take 26 continuous hours. FML
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