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By CatHater - 27/04/2018 01:30 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I tried using a water gun to shoot the noisy cats who always fight near my window. I had it ready along with a bucket of water for quick reloads. I missed on the first try and got the floor wet, slipped, and dropped my phone in the water bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 318

You deserved it 5 145

Hobgoblin? Anustart?

By TheUnknownGamer - 19/08/2018 15:00 - Croatia

Today, I kissed my girlfriend goodbye at the train station when a familiar woman's voice screamed, "You unfaithful piece of shit!" My sister had just wanted to troll me, which ended with my girlfriend slapping me twice, kicking my balls, and calling me some absurd names. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 292

You deserved it 220

SHUT UP

By Noname - 22/01/2009 08:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 080

You deserved it 2 558

By marlow - 15/01/2009 02:25 - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 889

You deserved it 2 727

Starved

By LoveMeMother - 20/09/2018 05:00

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 591

You deserved it 333

Spooked

By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 12:00

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 445

You deserved it 513

By RIP - 21/01/2017 12:00

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 582

You deserved it 1 927

By Anonymous - 26/01/2019 18:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 397

By savanah_aaron - 31/03/2017 20:00

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 965

You deserved it 730

Give Me Novacaine

By implantme - 11/05/2017 14:00

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 088

You deserved it 261

By fatto - 30/05/2017 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 662

You deserved it 2 720

Oh no…

By Oh... - 26/07/2019 16:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 113

You deserved it 273

You sad man

By Anonymous - 13/02/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 7 140

Smart move.

By You won’t believe what happened next - 10/03/2018 01:30 - Denmark

Today, I learned that when airport security jokes that he's going to eat your box of donuts, you should not then joke back that he shouldn’t "because the powdered sugar is really cocaine". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 037

You deserved it 5 830

Personality crisis

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Marietta

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 971

You deserved it 2 011

By gamber9210 - 07/05/2018 20:59

Today, I learned that the guy I've been talking to online lives in the same apartment complex as me. I also learned that I've earned the title of "woman who has sex too loud" in the same apartment complex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 158

You deserved it 1 606

gamber9210 tells us more.

gamber9210 13

Monday 7 May 2018 8:52

Honestly. I asked him if he lived right next door because I was very worried he’s actually heard me😂

Morning hell

By BillLumberg - 03/02/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 624

You deserved it 24 845

Not cool, bro.

By Anonymous - 26/07/2018 20:30 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I met my long-distance boyfriend in person for the first time. He insisted on bringing all of his friends, and when he went to the bathroom, one of them punched me in the face for "stealing his bro". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 179

You deserved it 415

By LDL - 26/01/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 563

You deserved it 5 556

By ReallyRyan? - 01/09/2018 06:00

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 274

You deserved it 351

By OwieOwie - 29/10/2018 12:00 - United Kingdom - Tewkesbury

Today, my gallstones flared up so badly an ambulance was called. I needed the strongest painkillers they could supply and had even more at the hospital. When my boyfriend came to visit me, instead of comforting words, he told me that "being kicked in the balls is still worse". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 079

You deserved it 309

By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 15:30 - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 707

You deserved it 357

By Anonymous - 06/01/2017 06:54

Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 179

You deserved it 1 409

By CassafrasSss - 02/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 855

You deserved it 719

By belladonna1025 - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 851

You deserved it 432

Dumbass

By SpookyBiscuits - 27/12/2016 16:27

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vice versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 901

You deserved it 524

By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/04/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 430

You deserved it 1 825

By izzy - 15/05/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 310

You deserved it 468

By worst day of my life - 06/07/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 876

You deserved it 210

More whine?

By Sonofaquiche - 30/06/2017 22:00 - Germany - Gochsheim

Today, my parents came back from their holiday and were constantly asking about "the girl I had over". They thought so because of the two wine glasses in the dishwasher. I didn't have anyone over. I just got drunk two nights in a row and was too lazy to clean the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 594

You deserved it 845

Sonofaquiche tells us more.

Sonofaquiche 9

Friday 30 June 2017 16:39

Hey guy and girls, OP here. As someone mentioned drinking age is different in Germany. Roughly speaking: Beer and Wine at the age of 16, the hard stuff at 18. So don't worry about me being an underage drinker ;) they probably thought so since i had someone over before, when they were gone, but always told them. They're cool with it though. Also i definitely do not have an alcohol problem. Actually i rarely drink at all. These were just two nights in a row on which i enjoyed sitting outside, looking at the sunset, listening to music and drinking a glass or two of wine. So i didn't even get drunk. Concerning the drink from the bottle tip: rest assured it will be taken into consideration for the next time :D

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The Top

The Top

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 836

You deserved it 30 792

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 870

You deserved it 17 443

Today, I was pumping gas and decided to go in for a drink. I discovered that when it's cold, sometimes the gas doesn't stop pumping automatically and starts spewing out onto the sidewalk. I had to pay for $53 of spilled gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 902

You deserved it 33 652

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 032

You deserved it 20 810

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 121

You deserved it 1 787

Today, I put my elbow in some sticky, clear stuff on my desk. I supervise a bunch of 20-something men. I don't want to think about what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 96