Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML
Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML
Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML
Today, my dad told me my pregnancy stretch marks were really bad and unsightly, and that I should probably do something about them, as though there was some miracle cure for them that I’m just too lazy to go and buy from the shops. If this gets published, I expect revenge ideas in the comments. FML
Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML
Today, I was extremely stressed because I lost my ATM card, so I reconstructed my day, eventually finding it in the freezer. FML
Today, my boyfriend is once again mad at me because I refused to have shower sex with him. I’m too embarrassed to explain to him that ever since I could remember, if I don’t take my showers sitting down, I vomit. FML
Today, I had to explain to my daughter that no, just because the word, "salad" is in the name, it doesn't mean that macaroni or potato salad are automatically healthy for you. She still doesn't believe me. She's 19. FML
Today, I found out why my thesis supervisor made me change my whole project I was working on for the past 3 months. Apparently, he had another student doing the same thing and they published it today. FML
mixedupminx tells us more.
Op here, it turned out that this other guy was working on it before me (under the same supervisor..) so he rightfully published it. in the end I kind of resumed his thesis and continued best I could. It sucked, but I really want to graduate!
Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML
Today, I got in trouble at work because the person whom I trained, and had done everything correctly with no mistakes, and said he was comfortable being on his own when I asked, was screwing it all up over the course of 6 weeks. When I asked him, he said, "I think my way is better than yours." FML
Today, I had to try to explain to my stepsister that it's inappropriate to ask to borrow my mother's wheelchair to dress up 'like a cripple' on Halloween. When I told her my mother would need the chair on Halloween anyway, she suggested we just carry her around for the night. FML
Today, I'm traveling halfway around the world to see my long-distance boyfriend. Today, he informed me that he took the wrong days off from work and will not be joining me. FML
Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML
Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML
Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face-first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML
Today, I gifted my boyfriend a $150 watch on his graduation day, but he was more excited when he got a $2 mug. FML
Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML
Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML
Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML
Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness, as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML
Today, it was my last day working at my company. The whole staff was summoned to a meeting, but I didn't see the point of going, so I left discreetly. I “discreetly” missed the surprise party that my colleagues had organized for me. FML
Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML
Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML
Today, my boyfriend let it slip that he thinks of my best friend when he masturbates because he like to have the "freedom and variety." FML
Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML
Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML
Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML
Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML
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