Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML
Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML
Today, I discovered I have a condition that causes loss of feeling in my clitoris during sex. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his Facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies, asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML
Today, I found out the coworker I was seeing gave me the clap. She resigned two weeks ago and isn’t answering her phone. I can’t blame my wife because she was a virgin when we got married, and has only been with me. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML
Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML
Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML
Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML
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Top comments
Awahso 25
Sounds fishy...wait that was a lame pun. That sucks though man.
ashyxlynn 3
you do realize you can get crabs other ways than just sex right?
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Comments (261)
Awahso 25
Sounds fishy...wait that was a lame pun. That sucks though man.
MILFSaregood 7
Hopefully its not bad enough for u teach her a lesson by shoven ur pubed full dick in her face haha crabbbssss!!
thingfish 0
hey man, you can get crabs from other stuff besides sex. plenty of other stuff, like filthy public toilets for example.
dakotasgirl00 2
Well confront her about it. Try to work it out if you can, if you can't leave her. Also just because you have crabs does not mean she cheated on you.
Imgonnahaveabf 9
Damn, enough with the puns already! 2% of the people here think it's funny. Half of them don't even make sense! AGHHHHH excuse me.. I'm gonna have a bf.
Miq94 0
invest in a trimmer for youself and a razor for your wife you dirty homosapien!
Eyeliner_fml 0
I might be wrong, but I don't think crabs is something to die of, maybe you got it from a public bathroom, you never really know so don't assume and shave your pubic hairs.
Friaza 29
Give her a pet crab for her birthday.
IndigoAcrylic 9
I would so tell that story at a party, bro. The chicks would just melt.
kingatowning 2
You can get crabs from hotel beds too!
Jaimegirl 7
At least you don't have lobsters...sorry I felt like making a crappy joke out of it haha. Sorry dude hope things work out in your future whatever that may be xD
Iskaria 0
Shaving off pubic hair does not get rid of crabs you nitwits lol
MerrikBarbarian 9
no, but it lessens hiding places making it easier to be sure you got them all and apply the treatment to kill them
Give_Linux_A_Go 28
she sounds like a shellfish woman
bubbywaldo 0
this is my favorite comment! because crabs are lice. and lice eggs are called nits. and in the old days, one way to insult people was to say they had the wit of a louse egg, I.e. a nitwit!
shay1813 0
You can't get crabs from a public restroom unless once the person with crabs gets off you jump on the toilet right away. It can only survive without being on a host for a few seconds. Learned this in health class this year :)
_Oblivion_ 12
20 what the **** is wrong with you, frigin nasty ass mind you have
cummbubble 0
im sorry to hear that you've had sexual contact with one person in your life
Masenko7 12
Fyi for having sex with woman in ur whole life.
Rag_dollxx 21
#235 are you implying that OP should try banging men too?
WinterBlue42 22
I'm dying. xD BAHAHA
Memoohhh 0
sexy (;
EmmyBabe_fml 0
Are you trying to say you enjoy having crabs?
Muliar 0
Isn't it a bit of a delicacy?
chaserforeva77 3
your nasty..
PeteyPablo12308 20
Uhh... No, not so much :-P
eminemchick 19
remove from pubes put in oven at 480 enjoy!:D too far?:/
tandem123 6
I don't want to seem like the complete idiot, but what are crabs?
mduffy08 8
You're face is an STD
ShyAnn29 15
191 don't worry I'm not 100% sure what crabs are either, I know it's a STD but that's all I know
BlondeRetro 0
it is like head-lice in your pubic/genital region
ShyAnn29 15
I looked it up, they look creepy! I'd hate to have that
IIRoxieII 12
That's ****** up. :(
MagicallyFat 12
Dont be too quick to misjudge her. You can get crabs by sitting on a toilet (that someone with crabs has previously sat in). Talk to her about it
nitewlf12 10
Dude I think she's saying the ****** up part is that this guy has never had sexual contact with anyone but his wife. That's sad. None at all? Damn. That's the real fml. Not the crabs.
CryMoreFMLs 15
58 - You are an example of why I hate a vast majority of my generation.
emodude44 0
I hate the world by default and make exceptions as I go. **** life in general, not just mine.
dakotasgirl00 2
58 I think it's sweet that he waited for marriage to have any sexual contact. Not very many people do that anymore.
Iamaninchworm 0
91- Yo
ashyxlynn 3
you do realize you can get crabs other ways than just sex right?
xoxospontaneousx_fml 0
yea she could have gotten it from a tanning bed or something similar
ileina 5
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
And we care because?
Moobug 4
It's called conversation, 108. Communication is not just question and answer, nor is it simply inflicting your opinion on the rest of the world.
emilieee_fml 0
You can also get it from public bathrooms:P
Neorecon19 18
We call that the beach and the dinner plate.
emodude44 0
105: Respect
Iamaninchworm 0
This is a comment forum for a specific topic, conversation is not a part of this you loose twat.
senseisuncommon 7
says the one with many thumbs down and no one taking your sdie... this is a social site... for communication.
poohforMVP 4
105 u look good with pale skin people who over tan just look stupid
marissa246 0
or you could get it from not cleaning yourself daily
philipino 24
Or OP is just so disgusting that they don't bother to wash their nether regions.
evilplatypus 39
239 - They don't magically appear out of nothing. You still have to get them from somewhere, which is why OP says "FML".
twofirstnames 12
Mmm, I wonder where she got them from..
Nyolia 11
It looks like she's got some explaining to do.
saIty 17
You only had sex with your wife when you're conscious. When you're knocked out it's a whole new story.
reallytho3 11
How can u sleep durin sex? If u can ur not doing it rite...
Lauren10102 3
Not sleep, just unconscious, like blacking out because you're so wasted.
glitterme 5
well you were just waiting for the right person that's ok :)
glitterme 5
to bad you got crabs from your first time or did you?
radiocaf 29
That wasn't his point. He is referring to the possibility if his wife cheating on him, catching crabs and then giving them to him, although I'm sure they can be caught other ways too, like if she had headlice and performed other sexual acts on him.
mickmac 0
Head lice and genital lice are two different things. Head lice can't go to your genitals and genital lice can't go to your head...
daisyduke452 3
The post could say "Today I got diagnosed with crabs " And it would be fine... But I understand that you want to explain...
maybeeiwill 11
Fail
higgy6969 7
WTF? You are an idiot.
bball234 6
that wouldnt have made it past the fml screening. they want interesting and usually more than one sentence.
Sweet_Testicles 7
you are a dumbass
ollierobs 0
I believe the FML part was the fact that his crabs implied a cheating wife.
chloee484 2
you do realize crabs is the only STD you CAN actually get from a toilet seat? or borrowing underwear or anything along those lines.
FreshSalad 1
The whole toilet seat thing is a myth. Crabs that fall off are either injured/dying or dead. Also, they can't grip onto the seat because of it's smooth surface and they just fall off.