In a relationship
Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML
Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML
Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML
Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML
Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML
Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML
Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "God told him to." What God didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML
Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML
Today, I had a big exam. Twenty minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled, "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML
Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML
Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML
Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML
Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML
Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML
Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML
Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML
Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML
Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML
Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML
Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
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