Mr youdontneedtoknow, really, you dont
Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML
Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML
Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML
Today, a mall cop tore up my "Free hugs" sign. FML
Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did I remembered there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper; he never did, and came out without socks. FML
Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic, only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML
Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for a sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML
Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML
Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML
Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML
Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML
Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML
Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML
Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML
Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML
Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML
Today, on my way to a concert, some guy told me I had cool sunglasses. I was about to thank him until he punched me in the face. I woke up with no sunglasses and no ticket. FML
Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML
Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently, his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the backseat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML
Today, I dropped my 7-year-old son off at school. He decided to have fun and step out of my car screaming "Stranger danger" while running away and pointing at me. I then had to get out of my car to shut the door he'd left wide open. This caused 20 other kids to scream "Stranger danger" as well. FML
Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML
Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML
Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML
Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML
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