Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML
Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, in a bizarre power move, my cousin flashed me her tits. I thought it a mistake and didn’t acknowledge it, until it happened again for much much longer. I was terrified. Prior to this I hadn’t even realized she had fake tits. FML
Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered, "Incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
CrassKal 27
You should just call them on that shit.
DontModMeDammit 10
That's when you leave the room.
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Comments (99)
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I don't really think there's a "discreet" way to **********. ._.
Dracoboxer357 36
^ Sure there is: By yourself, in your own room, with the door locked, and a radio playing for background/cover up noise. :P But if you mean during a conversation with another human being in the same vicinity as yourself......then no, not really. :p
Tidus0 17
Why can't people excuse themselves and go somewhere private masturbation is a personal thing unless all parties are doing it.
JoeRogansBEARD 15
I know a guy that did it in class once he got away with it until the teacher called on him to wright something on the board lol
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
58- I was going to say the same thing. Some kid was masturbating in the back of my middle school science class a few years ago. Maybe studying the planets got him hot and bothered.
SousapCody 6
85- he was probably just fapping to Uranus.
aksweetheart 7
win. to all of these comments. I applaud you all(:
outoftown 27
57 - because they are pervs and enjoy inflicting/enticing a family member into it, or humiliating them at the least.
Braxton_84 3
HA I just realized he is like the impulsive masturbating guy on Sons of Anarchy. Maybe you should cut off most of his fingers!
joss777 3
Who said its male cousin?
volleyballchik 10
I don't want to be rude or anything but why are you so set on it not being a male? Girls are a lot more private about that sort of thing!!!
beegee11 4
Woooow how awkward !
perdix 31
A cousin like that could come in handy.
thatgirlinoregon 21
And better than a handsy cousin!
brackaman 18
Too bad one hand is already occupied
p3mguin 7
This comment is handtastic! because the other is being used for *cough* eating....
zandalee 20
Why? Why did you pretend you didn't notice your cousin masturbating in front of you? And this isn't the first time? What's wrong with you? Grow a backbone & slap him silly! That's just nasty...
ss_20_xx 14
Ugh I wouldnt wanna touch him.
andiewithlove 21
Oh you know, cuz I always go up to people and strike up a conversation while my hand is in my pants.....pfffffft......discreet....
dude1122332 9
Can I be your friend?
andiewithlove 21
*puts hand in pants* wasssup?:D
dude1122332 9
Well as a juice box I don't have hands. But I do have a straw.(;
linkinpark98 24
Was he looking you deep into the eyes?
thatgirlinoregon 21
Only if he was an optometrist.
AugustBurnsToast 14
Maybe your guys' conversations are just mental masturbation and he's affected physically every time.
DarkDaedalus009 8
You should embarass him, OP, that should make him stop :)
Enslaved 38
Maybe he just had an itch down there that needed some scratching?
andiewithlove 21
Yeah! Just an itch that needs scratching......lots and lots of scratching....,
Enslaved 38
Sounds like someone mistaken calamine lotion for lube. :P