Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML
Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, in a bizarre power move, my cousin flashed me her tits. I thought it a mistake and didn’t acknowledge it, until it happened again for much much longer. I was terrified. Prior to this I hadn’t even realized she had fake tits. FML
Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered, "Incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
CrassKal 27
You should just call them on that shit.
DontModMeDammit 10
That's when you leave the room.
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Comments (99)
CrassKal 27
You should just call them on that shit.
Dilwann 27
Yep, should obviously tell him. Make it as awkward for him as it is for you. He probably thinks you're oblivious to it every time now.
dude1122332 9
I wasn't maturating! I always touch myself.. While talking to family members.
thawny_fml 21
Next time you catch him just say "Need a hand?" and when his face lights up call him a freak and laugh. Humiliation is punishment.
doctorhook86 25
This FML would be a lot more interesting if we didn't have to guess the ages and genders of the characters...
blaackandprouud 20
Words cannot describe how messed that is.
gman123999 14
Why do you all just assume that OPs cousin is a guy?
downtime 13
45, I agree, if this is a small child then they probably don't know any better, if it's an adult then it becomes a completely different scenario. I imagined it as a small child, which is awkward but they are doing nothing wrong. They just need to be spoken to, and I'd suggest the parent would be the one to do the talking in this situation. Interesting though that everyone assumes it's a male cousin. I'd have thought it'd be easier for a female to discreetly ********** than a guy, it's much bulkier and the movement is much greater...
SW500 13
The masturbator question could in fact be female.
FrenchToast94 0
45: I agree I'd I understood the ages it would be a lot easier to judge, I pictured it as like 13-17 And that makes it even more awkward. And like everyone else said call them out on it, make them feel embarrassed, thats always a boner kill!
Peachy2392 26
It's also worth taking into consideration that if the cousin in question is an adult, he or she may have special needs and doesn't fully comprehend that what they're doing is inappropriate.
DontModMeDammit 10
That's when you leave the room.
onlychildFTW 34
And as you walk out "yeah I see you trying to ********** that little guy".
MagicGiraffe 12
Or you look him dead in the eyes and just start racing him.
tehcyberman 9
No, as you walk out say something like, "what's that smell?"
Saryrr 3
Smell?
brackaman 18
It could've been op's room. Shouldn't leave, just say something like “you know there's vaseline on the dresser there that'd make what you're doing easier.”
moneyisaprobem 1
OMFG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH JESUS
music_woman1 11
Whenever this happens you have to make some sort of complaint or it won't stop
Listerinekiss_fml 7
True but that's so awkward how do you even start to call him out with other family members around
MissMae93 23
72 - that's the point! Make it ridiculously awkward for them and known to the family, guaranteed they would never do it again. Plus, now everyone knows how sick and twisted the cousin is.
thatgirlinoregon 21
Yeah, it obviously can't be that hard to bring up. So to speak.
Dusty_Busters 15
Well done
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Op must have a sexy voice.
sarahlove281 4
I feel for you, OP, especially when you take to heart the fact you're related. Ehhhhhh.
mightymart 5
It's okay if you live in Texas or Alabama
TrueTriage 16
California is more civilized than Texas and Alabama. They just have the gay capital of the world. To quote tosh, "More butt ******* per square foot than anywhere else in the world. San Francisco"
Bluefrog9636 7
God! I'm seriously getting tired of these stereotypical comments about states.
bstudds 1
Have you ever been to either of these states? The city I'm from in Alabama has more Phd's per capita than any other city in the US! I'm sure you made this comment right after you rolled off your sister and thanked her for such a good time, eh? ;)
breasticals 6
Deal with it every state has a stereo type
SouthernPride95 19
The ones about alabama and texas are wrong california on the other hand you nailed it dead on
ashra_Raivyn 2
I live in Texas and people are shunned for that sort of thing. It's just plain nasty as shit! We don't inbreed in Texas we breed animals like dogs not everyone owns a farm either! I hate stereotypes >.<
MarisaCB 16
86, considering your username is "southernpride" no wonder you're sticking up for Alabama & Texas. But you can't say that one stereotype is so wrong and silly, while another is dead on. That looks ridiculous. Plus your picture is a confederate flag... ugh.
MissMae93 23
86 - You're like the epitome of a southern jackass. "Oh well if it's negative to where I live, it's WRONG, anywhere else though it's DEAD ON". Nope, not really.
Myo_fml 20
96 supports incest.
dude1122332 9
*impersonation of 116* 96 SUPPORTS INCEST!
RedPillSucks 33
Why bring the south into this? This could happen anywhere.
Dracoboxer357 36
Certainly time to put an end to that, Op. Please call him/her out on this, discreetly if possible, loud and proud if necessary, but this isn't the first time and he/she doesn't seem to care enough not to embarrass you or himself/herself, so nip it in the bud. Good luck. :P
Dracoboxer357 36
^ I had a bad thought and wanted to add on: Op, are you quite young? And is your cousin purposely trying to get you to "accidentally notice him/her and comment on it?" If so, Tell Someone, as you are being sexually harassed by a family member, and that isn't acceptable no matter what your or your cousin's genders are. There's no shame in talking about it as you haven't done anything wrong and it's not your fault. I don't know your age or situation and maybe I'm over reacting, but it occurred to me that perhaps you're afraid to talk to someone about it, hence why it's continuing on from more than once before. And if I'm right and you don't make this known, I fear it may escalate to something even less discreet. :( Hope I've got it all wrong, Op. Best of luck.
evig_fml 16
Your such a good person D:
Braxton_84 3
Tell him you will cut it off if he doesn't stop. That ought to do the trick.
SOD_sonofdixie 5
And where did it say that it was a male cousin? Thumbs down for jumping to conclusions.
Braxton_84 3
I guess I just assumed. My bad.
MagicGiraffe 12
As far as I know a female probably wouldn't jab the urges to ********** so badly that they would need to do it in front of the cousin. Also, males probably whack it louder.
boydeee01 7
Hence, "fap fap fap".
Leslier_fml 4
Your cousin its a perv. Say something or its gonna keep happening.
off_constantly 8
Next time call your cousin out and embarrass the **** out of him so he can quit fapping at unnecessary times.
joss777 3
Who said its male cousin?
downtime 13
For a community of people who often poorly reference karma at every available moment it seems odd that there is so much support for behaviour designed to humiliate, hurt or embarrass others who you deem to be doing something inappropriate. These actions should be reserved for a last course of action if nothing else has worked, not as a first step. FYL OP, but we need more information here.
off_constantly 8
I said so. It would be idiotic to assume for it to be a girl given the fact that it's easier for a girl to go unnoticed playing dj hero with her vag compared to a dude rubbing one out.
RedPillSucks 33
Embarrass the fap out of him/her