Today, I took my laundry out of the washing machine and noticed one of my socks was missing. I checked the drum, the floor, and the laundry basket. I eventually found it inside the sleeve of the hoodie I'd been wearing while loading the machine. FML
Today, I think the universe is playing some cruel prank on me. Over the last few months I’ve had multiple exes reach out for various reasons. I’m talking exes from 20+ years ago to a guy I only got coffee with twice. Messages ranged from, “Hey how ya been?” to “I’ll still love or hate you.” FML
Today, I was cleaning out my email folders and found a message I'd sent myself five years ago with the subject "IMPORTANT." I opened it, expecting something useful. It was a reminder saying, "Remember to look up what this is about." I apparently trusted future me far too much. FML
Today, it's been 3 weeks since my girlfriend of 5 years stopped answering any calls or texts. I sent her a long email for closure (for me) only to get a response that she's on vacation. I had no idea she was going away and I don't know what I did. Time to get another dog and be done with "love" for good. FML
Today, after months of wondering what a mysterious key I found in an old kitchen drawer unlocked, I finally discovered it fit the lock on a storage unit. I opened it and found a box containing three other keys I had also forgotten about. FML
Today, I wore a jacket I bought yesterday at a thrift store to work. During lunch, I found a folded note in the inside pocket that said, "Call Mom. Tell her I'm okay." I spent the rest of the day wondering who had owned the jacket and whether I should actually call the number on the note. FML
Today, I found an old disposable camera while cleaning out my parents' attic and got the film developed. Most photos were blurry family photos from 2007, but the last few showed my dad outside a restaurant holding hands with someone who wasn't my mom. I'm now debating if I want to know anything else. FML
Today, I opened my fridge and found a single lemon, three sauces, and a 9V battery. I have no idea why the battery was there. I don't remember putting it there. I also don't remember owning anything that requires that particular battery. FML
Today, I found a mysterious container in the back of my fridge. I opened it to try and figure out what it was. I still don't know what it was, but now my entire flat smells like it. FML
Today, I parked at the airport and rushed inside. TSA pulled me into a back room for screening, including a rectal exam, then let me go, but I missed my flight. Back at my car, there was a note on the windshield: “I know what you did, John. Lock your doors next time.” (My name isn't John) and I found a pile of shit on my seat. FML
Today, I found an old USB drive and spent an hour trying to open it because I was sure it had important files on it. It contained one blurry photo of my thumb and a Word doc titled “Do not open", which was actually blank. FML
Today, I picked up a receipt in a parking lot and noticed someone had spent $437 on decorative gourds. My entire day was ruined by questions that would never be answered. FML
Today, I found a mysterious button under my desk at work and pressed it out of curiosity. It was the emergency panic alarm. Within five minutes, security, my manager, and then two confused police officers were asking if I was OK. I just wanted to know what the button did. FML
Today, I got dumped, so I was sad. I was so unpopular in my friend group that everyone but two people "sided with my ex" in their words; the other two "didn't side." I'd told my ex that I hated her, so I asked my friend to tell her I'm sorry, my ex-friend then replied with death threats. Like WHAT? FML
Today, I found out some very disturbing information about one of my brothers, who I have not seen in 8 years. The information is so crazy that I've thought about going to the FBI. FML
Today, after wishing my closest friend a happy birthday yesterday, he ghosted me without saying anything. FML
Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML
Today, I woke up to 20 unread messages from my friend asking why I sent her stuff like, “I hate you” and “Get lost” at 3 a.m. Turns out I sleep-texted during a nightmare. Now I have to grovel and apologize for something I don't even remember doing. FML
Today, I did laundry and found one lone sock in the washer. Thinking I was done, I left it there and put the rest in the dryer. When I pulled out the clothes, the sock was missing. It was in the dryer all along, but I couldn’t find its partner anywhere. A sock black hole struck again. FML
Today, I cleaned out my filthy car. I found an odd, unlabeled tin under the seat, and opened it out of curiosity. It sprayed stinking juice everywhere and filled the house with a horrifying smell. It was Surströmming, half rotten fish, that someone must have stuck in as a prank. FML
Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML
Today, a mama from my daughter's class has been talking nicely with me, and we've been friends for the past year, going to the playground and library together regularly. Now, all of a sudden, she has stopped talking or going out with us for no reason. I don't know if my daughter and I are both back in school now. FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
Today, my girlfriend was a mystic and I'd told her not to use FML because it seemed negative. I think it feels controlling and I don't want that. I also deleted a file that was about fear of her husband dying because she lost her dad. I wish I could go back and be on FML too. FML
Today, I woke up to news that a document had been made about me and about 50% of my friends left me behind after reading it. None of the alleged acts are true. FML
Today, I found out that the source of the "mystery whistling" I’ve been hearing in my house for days was my own nose. Apparently, I’ve got a built-in wind instrument. FML
Today, my toddler started running around the house yelling, "Daddy said a bad word!" over and over again. I don't even know what I allegedly said, but now my wife is giving me the "we need to talk" look. FML
Today, I got a notification that a package had been delivered. I opened my door and saw it on at doorstep. I was expecting one, so I grabbed and opened it, then realized it wasn’t mine, but my neighbor’s. I had to awkwardly re-tape it, then sneak over and leave the disturbing contents of the box on their porch before they noticed. FML
Today, I opened the door to a pizza delivery guy. I hadn't order any, but I thought maybe my roommate had. As he handed me the box, I said, "Thanks, you too" when he told me to enjoy my meal. He stopped, looked confused, and said, "Wait, what?" before leaving. I then realized my roommate was out of town and I’d just taken someone else’s pizza. FML
Today, I walked into my kitchen to find a pigeon sitting on my stovetop. I live in a completely sealed apartment on the 12th floor of a NYC apartment building. FML
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