Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML
Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, in a bizarre power move, my cousin flashed me her tits. I thought it a mistake and didn’t acknowledge it, until it happened again for much much longer. I was terrified. Prior to this I hadn’t even realized she had fake tits. FML
Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered, "Incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
CrassKal 27
You should just call them on that shit.
DontModMeDammit 10
That's when you leave the room.
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Comments (99)
lonelyharts86 8
Why would you do that? Unless your cousin is (and there's no judgement here) mentally unbalanced? If not, you should leave the room or speak up.
bjf10 22
I guess he or she likes you, OP!
noisebox 1
Hard to discretely ********** isn't it?
demonkey_fml 4
Unless he has "special needs," you need to call him out in a very loud voice among various family members so he will STOP THAT SHIT. Then you need to have a long and involved chat with your mother or his mother, (whichever family member is more normal) Looking him in the eye and saying, "What the **** is your problem, get your hand out of your pants when you talk to me!" goes a long way. As does, "I'm telling your mother/father if you ever do that again in front of me you pervert." (Shame him.) Don't be a victim, he only does it because the tool knows that you are too squeamish to say anything. If he IS a special needs child than you need to speak to his mother/father/guardian because that behavior needs to be modified/ended and won't get him anywhere in life (except jailed for indecent exposure). Just think, if he behaves that way in front of a minor, he could end up on a Meghan's Law type sex offender list.
juker369 7
If the cousin, whatever gender, does have special needs OP should still speak up. Having special needs doesn't give you a free pass to ********** wherever they want. If OP says nothing because of his or her cousin has special needs, the cousin may become more outgoing about it and do the behavior in public places.... Special needs or not the cousin needs to learn socially acceptable behaviors, no excuses. Also, why is everyone assuming the cousin in a male. whatever.
russfml 31
Your cousin my have schizophrenia, public masturbation is a common thing for people with what you call disorganized schizo. Its uncontrollable. anyhow fyl op that has to be awkward as hell
DRMIKA 4
Was he doing it before you entered the room or just started wile you were talking to him
AClassActx3 7
He must think you're hot
JustKittyKat 24
Oh dear... Another possible incest post... OP, my cousin told me he wanted to have sex with me when I was about nine. I told on him and he got his butt whipped. It's better to speak up, I promise.
little_one 20
Taking you home? Was he driving? Who drives and masturbates!? Who drives and masturbates with another person in the car!?? Your life or your cousin is ****** up.
little_one 20
Somehow I read the taking me instead of talking to me...whoops I would have changed it but I was too late editing it...
Dracoboxer357 36
122- Lol, unfortunately, lots of people apparently ********** while driving, my fellow Winnipegger. It relieves the boredom of long trips, with or without a partner in the vehicle. ;P Long trips with family members however.....I recommend 3 hours of "eye-spy" or politics, or anything Other than masturbation. :p Ick.
spottyblanket 8
Tell him you will phone the police and get get him done for indcent behaviour