Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend loves giving blowjobs; the problem is she is very bad at them, refuses to admit she is bad at them, and cries and stops talking to me every time I try and tell her how to do it better. My knob is red and sore where she keeps catching it with her teeth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML
Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML
Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML
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Top comments
LiyIa_fml 8
Practice makes perfect?
RoboCunnilingus 23
On the bright side, at least she isn't giving them to someone else.
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Comments (199)
kittycat2007 18
So teach her how! Give the girl some pointers and tip. Watch **** together. Buy her a subcription to cosmo. Try fixing the problem instead of bitching about it.
strawberrywine22 30
Yeah, no cosmo. Cosmo once said something about putting your finger in your partner's mouth while you are kissing, and half of their tricks that I've tried have ended with either my husband or me in extreme pain!
FMLshark 12
Ever thought it wasn't the magazine; you just weren't doing it right, 53?
charvisioku 22
I agree with 53, Cosmo is a pile of BS. I've yet to come across a tip that isn't either blindingly obvious or just plain ridiculous. There are much better ways to get tips than Cosmo.
uniquechic21 12
Definitely do not take Cosmo's BJ tips. They once said to chew up a piece of mango and then give a ******* with it in your mouth. I specifically remember that one because of how utterly stupid it was.
MalloryKnox 8
I once read read in Cosmo to sprinkle pepper under the guy's nose right as he's about to cum. Uhh.. what?! I don't even remember their stupid reasoning behind it. Sneezing will intensify his O maybe? How could that not go horribly wrong? My boyfriend is not a salad! Just dumb.
kittycat2007 18
Lol. Easy up on the cosmo hating. Perhaps he should try Glamour instead? *grins* Really though, even if she did try it with a piece of mango in her mouth (which i assume is for a different texture for the guy) as long as shes trying different ways, she'll get better.
streetriots 9
Cosmo and pornos? Those are the two worst things to get sex advice from. I feel sorry for your significant other if you use those two things for sex advice.
fortunelady 17
Following **** and Cosmo advice, your OH could end up in pretty severe pain! Google 'Cosmo worst sex tips' and you get some hilarious but terrifying results.
AnthonyWheeler15 24
The irony
xxBitchxPleaSe 6
She knows she's not supposed to actually blow on your dick right?
Roguedork19 8
I keep imagining a scenario similar to one of the scenes from the first Shrek movie where Fionna blows the snake into a balloon animal...
DLT_fml 20
Haha! My ex ACTUALLY did that her first time!
TweetAnne 13
Take it or leave it. A lot of girls hate them so you're lucky she likes them.
braun239 2
Does she atleast let you bust the nut in her mouth?
SApprentice 34
19- Hopefully not. That's a good way to obtain a nice new STD. They make flavored condoms for a reason.
btstig 11
Unless it costs 20 Bucks down an alley. Who the hell puts on a condom to get a ******* from their GF?
charvisioku 22
30, why would she get an STD? Unless OP either already has one or is cheating on her and therefore risking one, there's no conceivable way that could happen...
outoftown 27
30 is actually right on this, like it or not. Unless both tested clean and are monogamous, wrap it even for a *******.
savage93 11
Tell her to give u a Ball-cuzi insted
BulldogHoops 14
It'll improve, just like always when you have more time to communicate.
FlyingPie 17
I don't know your history, so this is just a thought. Are you sure it's her fault, rather than perhaps ******** just don't do it for you? Everyone's body can respond differently to a particular sexual act.
FerdieJ 3
not sure why this can't be under #13s comment, but thats the app. @13, not sure if "tip" was a typo but it sure is an awesome joke if you meant it.
tne201992 12
If you can't comment, just wait or something. You're really throwing people off. lol
strawberrywine22 30
I couldn't reply to comments for the longest time either, but I figured out out recently. Slide your finger advertise the comment from left to right. Might take a few tries depending on the sensitivity of your touch screen.
FerdieJ 3
cheers strawberry, figured it out fairly soon after my comment so fair enough#27. damn noobs
VtechHokie18 6
I guess she sucks at sucking(;