Today, I've been on duty at the hospital for just three hours so far, and I've already pulled five carving forks out of four different people. Good job, everybody. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I cut my finger with a knife while cooking. I work in a hospital and have to use hand disinfectant at least every twenty minutes. It hurts badly. I have to work for eight hours. FML
Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML
Today, I finally finished a gruelling shift at the hospital. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours, so I was happy to get out. I was quickly rushed back in after I collapsed in the parking lot and cracked my head open. FML
Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML
Today, during my second shift back at work after missing four weeks for knee surgery, I stabbed myself in the hand and now need three weeks off for that surgery. Just as I'm up for a promotion. FML
Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them, I impaled my forearm on a knife that was sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML
Today, at work on the front desk at a dental office, there was a massive system glitch. I'm now currently recreating appointments for around 300 patients, on top of checking out the patients that are currently in today from their appointments. FML
Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML
Today, I work at a medical practice with over 30,000 Patients. Due to staff sickness and vacations, we only have 50 appointments available. I work on the phones, taking appointments. FML
Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML
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Top comments
SweetAsHell 9
Someone had two forks in them?? Did they try to get one out with another?
gonad_gobbler 1
I was going to take a stab at a pun, but I was afraid my joke just wasn't going to cut it.
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Comments (77)
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Gobble gobble.
teresee 8
That the best you got?
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Yup.
PizzaRollsss 5
I don't want to thread jack but just to make it apparent if it isn't, this is DocBastard who posted the FML
Sirin_fml 47
No, it wasn't.
RussianFox 13
25- Can't even go through a doctor-related FML anymore without seeing people kiss the ground he stands on. Disgraceful.
DocBastard 40
Wow, so simply mentioning me now constitutes kissing the ground I stand on? Seriously RussianFox, your outright animosity towards me is reaching a crescendo. If you want to have it out with me, I'll be out at the flagpole at 3 o'clock. Be there, you pussy.
gc327072 31
I'm pulling for Doc in that fight just because RussianFox is a brony. Bronies suck.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Five bucks on Doc winning! Any other bets?
Rebi3144 8
It wasn't Doc who wrote this? Damn! I was hoping to hear about it in great detail in his blog.
sens3sfailing 25
Doc can beat the shit out of russianfox and then diagnose all of his injuries...making sure no treatment is given of course, unless an apology is made. Then he gets the homeless dude who thinks he is a doctor to help him.
annie_nk 23
Doctor Hobo from VGCats?
MindFreakazoid 10
Oh, FML, what fun. Man. Time to lurk the comments more.
JustASmallTownBo_fml 7
Doc didn't post this. If I'm not mistaken, he doesn't live in America.
twitch851 9
57 is a complete asshole. Brownies don't suck you do.
Harpy20 24
124- you fail hard.
RussianFox 13
61- About Me is still the same. I won't bother fighting this since the brown nosers will fight DocBastards battles for him once again proving my point.
nogood9 4
118 is totally correct. Doc lives in mumbai which is in india and most certainly not in texas.
Link5794 18
Is there anything wrong with liking DocBastard?
LiveLaughLaugh 9
Hah, I'm so excited to pursue a career in medical now....
chrissy2 28
A lot of weird things happen in the medical field... I have a friend who had a guy come in to the ER saying he had a live hamster stuck in his ass.
LiveLaughLaugh 9
Oh wow... Did he survive? (The hamster, of course)
chrissy2 28
No the Hamster suffocated...
_Oblivion_ 12
Fack by eminem?
FML_Whale 18
What would make a person stick a live hamster up their ass? Wouldn't that be painful? And counted as animal abuse?
chrissy2 28
I am not against gay people, and I have a hard time believing that they do this...but apparently there is a practice that they do where they stick a string to a hamster and shove it up there and they like the feeling of the clawing. That is at least what she said when I asked about it.
IHaveThePower 18
I really, deeply promise all of you, as a man queerer than a three-dollar bill, it is not a 'queer practice' to stick a hamster up your rear. Or any form of **********. That's not a thing and someone was trolling you.
FML_Whale 18
Isn't that illegal?
chrissy2 28
I'm not sure if a hospital can charge you with Animal abuse....
FML_Whale 18
I don't know my facts, because it's a little different in the Ocean where I live, but can't they inform the police or somebody of it? If they were harmed whilst doing illegal things, then should they not be treated and then arrested?
chrissy2 28
I'm not sure. I think that they could anonymously report someone...but I think your hospital records are "confidential". Like if you overdosed on illegal drugs I don't think you would be arrested.
penguinazul 13
And this is why stupid people need not watch things like South Park. Poor Lemmiwinks!
Harpy20 24
Hospitals can definitely report it. Just like therapists can report what you say if it harms you or someone else. It's confidential only as it's not dangerous.
chell1894 13
My Mother works at a hospital. Medical records are confidential to employers, your average bear, etc. but not to the law and police officers. That's like saying if a child came to the hospital beaten by their father you can't report it because medical records are confidential. All medical records being confidential means is that people can't simply just get a hold of them like employers and so on. The law is the law and a hospital will report anything against the law being animal abuse, drug abuse, child abuse, etc.
Krajjan 9
126 - They report what they are legally mandated to report. Suspected child abuse, obvious crime victims such and stabbings and GSWs, sexual assault victims, etc. I don't think sexual deviancy by gerbil is specifically on the list, so probably non-reportable.
zango1 15
It's not abuse if the hamster liked it.
chell1894 13
126 animal abuse is against the law. Whether its a hamster, dog, or cat. They will report anything against law. Whether the police do something about it, well that is up to the police. But a hospital does report any kind of abuse or anything against the law.
chell1894 13
And meant 131. Whoops
FMLTuna 6
v virgin v
FMLTuna 6
v virgin v
shireman97 6
Looks like they got the wrong end of the wishbone
SweetAsHell 9
Someone had two forks in them?? Did they try to get one out with another?
geekpower_fml 28
It would have worked if they hadn't pushed just a little too far...
Inheritance 10
That or a husband pissed of his wife.
EmoRockChic 11
Probably got stabbed. You never know........
honeybadgerr 9
6- Lol your comment reminded me of talladega knights when Ricky bobby thinks he's paralyzed and stabs a knife in his leg and his friends try to get it out by wedging another knife in his leg
Lennes 12
I automatically thought of Avatar. When Sokka got two fish hooks in his thumb? Anybody?
Inheritance 10
You mean Avatar the last Airbender?
sabbethia 5
That's exactly what I thought too!!
pandachic27 9
Haha "cut around the meat."
motocommradios 6
"OUCH! Well, let me just- OOUUCCHH!"
kakarot2 11
Sokka: Oh, well, then thanks for all the help over the years. Like when I fell into the greasebeary bramble, and that time I had TWO fish hooks in my thumb!! Aang: TWO?? Katara: he tried to get the first fishhook out with another fishhook. That? Lol
turtlechef 2
Maybe it was 2 people with one in each of them and another one pinning them together
splatterband6487 4
You stole the words right out of my mouth.
pheebs314 17
Maybe they got confused by that "Let's eat Grandma/Let's eat, Grandma" grammar check...?
Just1Ash 10
Da fuq, did I just read??
falon142012 22
Why yes, you DID just read!
zingline89 18
Now that you've learned how to read, let's work on spelling.
FML_Whale 18
And punctuation. You don't need two question marks.
pheebs314 17
I think there's 2 because he was extra confused. It makes it more of a question cried in desperation than just a simple "What does that mean?"
FML_Whale 18
Ah, I see. But possibly if he worded his sentence differently (and much more dramatically) then there would be no need for the extra question mark.
Just1Ash 10
If you want to start on punctuation and grammar, you'd know full well you can't start a sentence with and. You could've possibly started it with Also punctuation,. The need for the two question marks was the fact that what she had wrote meant absolutely no sense to me. End of rant.
Harpy20 24
116- I only understood half of that. More sense needed.
twitch851 9
119 I think the correct term is " more education needed."
turkturkington 13
116 - You CAN start a sentence with 'and' in informal text. Which is what this is. Only in academic writings is it frowned upon. AND, no, you can never have two punctuation marks together. No matter what world you're writing in.
Harpy20 24
125- you missed it. You can go home now.
pheebs314 17
116- It is a reference to an online joke with a picture. It says those 2 lines and says something about how grammar saves lives.
TheNewGuy03 29
We can all be ruthless pedants and harpy the ******* boob milk out of this guy, but I actually thought it seemed rather intentional -- that is, "Da fuq, did I just read??" being a purposefully corrupted version of "Dafuq did I just read?" to emphasize the importance of correct grammar (like the "Let's eat Grandma" sentence). However, if he indeed made a misstep and totally just ****** that sentence to hell, I'm not sticking up for him.
Harpy20 24
Harpy, huh? I see what you did there...
gonad_gobbler 1
I was going to take a stab at a pun, but I was afraid my joke just wasn't going to cut it.
ChefPhilly 13
That's a "knife" one!
smartman136 8
Already been done on another fml. Be original damnit. Any way you dice this situtation i dont know why i forking put up with you people. There should be a grate-er emphasis on creative puns.
shyeahh_fml 19
Well there are only so many puns that will actually make sense.
TheNewGuy03 29
Well ... when it comes to puns, most people just scratch the surface, only merely scraping by. The age of cutting-edge puns is over.
BrimfullOfAsher 20
Yeah, because your comment would get cut.
redreynard 14
Just wait until your New Year's shift, when you can start your collection of rectal kazoos.
bitchsbehating 2
That sucks . At least your a hero .