Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML
Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, my vibrator was in another room and I was too lazy to get it. I was also too lazy to do it manually. It's like I've been married to myself for too long. FML
Tattery tells us more.
Tattery 2
I am so chuffed something finally went through, haha. The funniest thing is I actually eventually did so it by hand, then about an hour later, got my vibrator and did it all over again. The other funniest thing is that other than my boyfriend, I can't share my achievement at getting something posted. I'm so pleased but it can't show anyone else, haha.
Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML
Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML
Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML
Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML
Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML
Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML
Today, I picked up a co-worker from the airport. As she got in the car, she looked over at me and said, "I'm still not sleeping with you". This was our second conversation. The first is when she asked if I could pick her up from the airport. FML
Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML
Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML
Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML
Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said, "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML
Today, I got called a slut. I don't know what is worse, the fact I was called it or that I felt strangely flattered that the person thought I was getting any. FML
Carlee_Casten tells us more.
OP Here! I just wanted to say thank you for the really nice comments :) Just to clarify I am not a person who thinks sex is something that should be bragged or boasted about. I was trying to make an insult less hurtful. They caught me on a good day. Otherwise I wouldn't have taken it so well. But thanks again for the comments and for those that helped my FML get posted :)
Today, I went to CVS to buy some tampons. The cashier said, "Ewwww... You're on your period." FML
gracezering tells us more.
I'm the OP and the cashier was a female. I know! Wtf, right??
Today, I was trying on bikinis at a local store. When I put my pants back on, my foot got stuck, I tripped and fell through the curtain of the fitting room, topless. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML
Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML
Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML
Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML
Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML
Today, my long distance boyfriend told me no more nude pictures or sexting, as he's afraid the government will steal it all. FML
fishyrael tells us more.
fishyrael 29
Hey guys, OP here. While I don't doubt that they are in fact kept on record somewhere, I DO doubt that they would use them for some sort of super weapon like he was implying. My boyfriend grew up in a bad home and has anxiety and paranoia like you wouldn't believe, so he probably heard something in his computer class and blew it way out of proportion. Again. This is just the latest strange thing he's doing. At one point he wanted us to invest in a bunker. I'm 20 and he's 19, so we're both of age, and we've been dating for 2 years, but we live in different timezones. He's a college student and I don't make very much so it's hard for us to pay to meet up, so sexting is usually all we've got. I prefer skype, since my phone is ancient and doesn't have any of these fancy new-fangled apps, but I was laptopless for the night, which is why I texted him asking and got that in response. I know for a 100% fact that he is not cheating on me. He wouldn't be able to pull it off. Like I said, anxiety and paranoia. He once apologized to me in panic over having a crush on a celebrity, thinking that was just as bad as cheating. In any case, when he isn't at school, he's on skype and steam with me. And for those saying to send them to you, shame on you.
Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my tits. He ignored it and instead sent a picture of his dog "looking blazed". FML
Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML
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