Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML
Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mom give a detailed description of her date last night to her friends via speakerphone... while I was trapped in the car with her. When I pointed out that I was still in the back seat, she scoffed and told me, "I have a sex life, deal with it." FML
Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML
Today, my mother once again interrupted me and talked over me, as though I wasn't saying anything at all. Then she wondered why I remained quiet after she was done talking about her mother doing that. Must run in the family. FML
Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
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Top comments
cwrocker 14
Wow, sorry OP sometimes parents speak before they think
mattiscg 22
some people shouldn't ever be parents.
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Comments (87)
cwrocker 14
Wow, sorry OP sometimes parents speak before they think
Mr_Beavis 6
And if she did mean it why don't you give her a GOOD reason to hate you
feelingold 18
Your mom sounds fantastic. Though to be fair if the aim is avoiding babies spitting works just as well...
citygirl28 11
Yes... So many methods of birth control simply aren't taught in standard sex education...
feelingold 18
Wow citygirl, now you're just flirting with me aren't you. To be fair I know women find the beard irresistible.
ppsycomom 7
If we thought about it.. so many wouldn't be borne.. birthcontrol as an after thought???
JesusOfNazareth 16
That must be really weird. I'm sorry.
mealsonwheels 12
Atleast she didn't swallow you?
kelsorg 21
now that's what I call looking at the bright side lol.
cakefete2 31
The next time you receive an honor for your awesomeness, OP, just remember, you were lucky to land in her ovaries and not her overbite.
guineagirl 18
Are you sure she doesn't just mean you're not good at eating/drinking
HockeyPlayerLife 13
Your picture is perfect.
TwiztedYuri 9
Just save this fml and then read it again once you've grown up
guineagirl 18
Its a simple joke sweetheart read the comment again when you've got a sense of humor
JBChristian 47
A joke? Had a dull ring to it if you ask me. Putting in a / doesn't help with the effect.
laney_bug_ 11
55, I wish you said sweetie instead of sweetheart
guineagirl 18
You fan I fan we're fans fan fan fan
mattiscg 22
some people shouldn't ever be parents.
RedPillSucks 33
Which is why she should have swallowed
HanBroman 20
It's a shame that the irresponsible ones are the ones more likely to end up accidentally pregnant. imagine how different the world would be if it were the kindest most decent responsible people who sucked at using birth control and ended up with all the "unwanted" babies while all the idiots never had kids
frozen92_fml 12
So she spit you into her magic box?
maharb01 17
that's what I was wondering. there is definitely not necessarily a link between intercourse and swallowing or not swallowing, although intercourse THEN swallowing would definitely be a win on multiple fonts. . .
bluestrawberry17 17
Mother knows best?
johbstonjacob 8
That's revolting...
clumsycarolyn 17
Wow I'm sorry op, some people just aren't cut out to be parents
cailey1234567890 24
Well My mom feels the same. But i think its because i have a twin brother. Cuz we kinda destroyed her body
RLG4 20
This is an awful comment. Having a baby, or even twins, doesn't ruin someone's body. All moms I know say it's worth it, and many moms I work out with regained their fitness and have smokin' bodies ... even after multiple pregnancies. "Ruining my body" is one of the last things I worry about when thinking about having kids.
mt631 18
Never understood why kids are blamed for destroying the mothers body. Sure it's their birth that causes it but it isn't like they chose to be born.
feelingold 18
Yes. Don't worry about ruining your body, just worry about ruining certain parts of it. (Seriously, after a few kids sex is like throwing a sausage repeatedly into a bin)
cailey1234567890 24
Yeah but my mother never really wanted kids and kicked my brother and i both out when we were 16. And im not saying that for sympathy. Im saying it because not all mothers feel the same
dont_doubt_me 29
That's ******* awful. I know you didn't want sympathy, but I'm so sorry for you.
dragonkisses28 25
That's just an excuse we use to explain why we gained weight. If 18 years later you're still blaming your kids for your improper diet and lack of exercise, you have some issues. At that point it isn't baby fat anymore. It's just fat, and you can't blame it on your kids forever. Many women continue to exercise during their pregnancy or start again after having the baby.
Imaginefree66 4
#54 It's a really unbelievable story. I can't imagine such a lady. I' m sorry for op.