Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML
Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML
Today, I got dressed up in lingerie for my boyfriend. He looked at me, said, "Nice," then went back to watching TV and drinking beer. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I are on vacation. He was watching TV, and I thought I’d try to be sexy, so I walked in wearing lingerie. He smiled at me and said, “What the hell are you wearing?” FML
Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML
Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML
Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML
Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML
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Top comments
DonkeyTeeth2013 22
His priorities are straight.
jad0016 12
Haha well Doritos are pretty damn good
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Comments (149)
DonkeyTeeth2013 22
His priorities are straight.
urdirtyolduncle 15
His sexuality probably isn't.
colby6666 43
But is he?
_parth 20
This should be Doritos Ad.
colby6666 43
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Okay, looking back on my comment and re-reading this FML I now realize that of course he is straight. He's married.
TheAbstract 15
Just because he's married doesn't mean he's straight..
fortune789 17
My dad is a perfect example of that.
binaryplatypus 4
I'd say his priorities weren't exactly straight. What is the sexual preference for chips?
Mobius638 8
There's not one they're just really good.
incoherentrmblr 22
#118, the preference might have been cool ranch.
jad0016 12
Haha well Doritos are pretty damn good
Kamon97 23
Especially cool ranch :o
rachangie 19
Nacho all the way! Gotta love the classics! As good as they are though I don't know if I would choose them over sex...mostly because you can always just eat them after sex and everything tastes better after!:)
drivingmissdaisy 13
So true @32
gotaplanstan 28
or best of both worlds, eat them WHILE having sex ^^
TheAbstract 15
And both types of chips too. like a combo-ception of some sexually delicious sort.
A07 48
#46 I agree, but then why does my girlfriend get mad everytime I do?
MisterEx 28
#76 - because most of us men don't know how to multitask. So your performance in bed is not as good while eating Doritos. A plot twist to #46's idea would be suggesting to have sex WITH Doritos. Trust me i know. I am a random Internet user.
Chibi_Kitten 24
My thoughts exactly! Why compromise?
alice_18 16
Apparently men appreciate food more than sex
Pesticides 19
Or maybe he meant no way as in how good his day has turned out...
ShowMeKay 20
#23 I don't think it'd be an FML if that's how he meant it.
mottos 13
Yeah
Pussycat86 18
#39 actually there is an ad for Doritos with the same concept, only in the ad it helps the person get laid it's on YouTube and name is banned Doritos commercial
BoltTheSuperdog 22
#53 That's the one where the woman is in bed wearing only Doritos, right?
Chibi_Kitten 24
...why does this make me want to try dressing up as food to test this out?
thatchick1405 17
Doritos always win ._.
sweetest_jenn 18
One simply does not try to come in between a man and his Doritos.
sunnyray812 42
This FML should really be a Doritos commercial.
thatchick1405 17
#83 I agree
Life_is_FML 22
I feel like if you filmed this fml, and added the Doritos' slogan at the end, it could be a commercial
Incognito_1924 17
How does it feel to have gotten ****-blocked by a bag of chips?
_parth 20
The guy must feel pretty damn good
colby6666 43
Chip-blocked?
cakefete2 31
The Doritos told OP, "He's nacho man tonight. He's mine."
gotaplanstan 28
**** blocked? more like clam blocked
Greg1986 13
The way to a man's heart is through his... stomach...
dragonkisses28 25
Yes...through his stomach and out his chest.
immortalhmars 14
Make lingerie out of Doritos
cakefete2 31
You do that, and a couple things might get eaten tonight.
TheAbstract 15
I can only imagine Austin Powers saying, "ahhhh thank you" after reading that comment.
IllestRated 17
He likes the living room so much, let him sleep there tonight.
PinkieKeen 20
wtf? how does him not wanting to have sex right then and there dignify a punishment?
misspaperwait 4
It's not the refusal of sex that got him in the dog house it's the way he did it. Rather than making a point of basically saying junk food is more important than your needs he could have just said "you know babe I'm not really in mood" or something. If he's going to act like a dick he kinda deserves to spend a night on the couch.
ao9s7yashdun 7
Punishment like that isn't productive. It's not like her husband is an infant child who needs negative reinforcement.
IKickPuppiesHard 16
I'll be damned if someone told me to sleep on the couch in a house I'm paying for.
JustinCredible42 12
(Insert I hope you mean ex comment here)
quiet_storm09 17
How does "I don't wanna have sex" warrant a divorce...
silvercamaro 22
He's not actually saying they should divorce #34, just that on 99% of FML's involving couples, that comment will come up.
sexual_girl 15
Normally I would suggest combining food with sex (e.g., have him eat it off your body), but I'm not sure how well that would work with Doritos... Better luck next time OP.
MandyMeow_fml 18
There would be so many crumbs...
kingdomgirl94 29
Crumbs in every er... nook and cranny.
tesslaar 17
Or crumbs in every nook and fanny?
dreamweaver1227 11
Just lick the crumbs off. Gain more arousal points. ;)